I am loved

If you’re reading this, you understand that alcohol destroys relationships. You understand what it feels like when people stop being your friend because they think you keep “choosing” to drink. You understand how it feels to wake up in a panic; unsure of the texts and social media posts you sent the night before. You might even understand how it feels when a sibling stops speaking to you. You understand the loneliness, the shame, and the fear of being forever misunderstood.

You can also understand why I created a story in my head that says I am unlovable.

In today’s world we teach people to abandon folks who struggle with substance abuse. My rock bottom was met by a criminal justice system that told me I was a disgrace to society. I needed to be locked up in order to keep the general public safe. I had become otherized; “one of them.” This system made me feel less like a human, and more like an unlovable hollow frame fueled by shame.

One thing that has truly helped reroute this deep, unlovable groove in my brain is showing up for Tempest group calls. Hearing your stories and feeling the nonjudgmental love from the facilitators has honestly changed my life. We’ve all been through the same shit. We’ve all been beaten down. Thankfully, this space is slowly building me back up. Slowly infusing my hollow frame with the love I have been missing. Your faces and your stories have become my medicine.

Now, each time I experience a trigger, I step back and think of all of you. I breathe in your love and your kindness. I breathe in the statement, “There is no fixing, because we are not broken.” No matter how triggered I might feel, I know there will be another call in a few short hours and I can, once again, bathe myself in your love.

Here’s what I have learned by showing up in this space: The story I created in my head about being unlovable is not true. Thanks to all of you, I know I am never alone. Better yet, this space is teaching me to cultivate a self-love that I can bring with me anywhere.

It seems like we live in a world that doesn't know how to help those of us who struggle with substance abuse. I think The Beatles were onto something way back in 1967. Maybe all we need is love.