Of course I feel this way

The first therapist I ever had, at 15 years old, told me I have a strong not-good-enough schema. Which means I developed a core belief that I don’t measure up long before my brain was fully developed. To compensate, or in an attempt to “better” myself, I developed a nasty habit of constantly beating myself up.

The tricky thing about sobriety is, the longer I remain alcohol-free, the more aware I become of this horrifyingly harsh inner dialogue. When I first got sober, I don’t think an hour passed without some form of self-beratement. Oftentimes I would beat myself up simply for experiencing a negative emotion.

Last summer my current therapist recommended I step back, breathe, and jot down each time I catch myself ruminating about my (fake) inferiority. She suggested swapping out, “I shouldn’t feel this way; what the hell is wrong with me?” for a much gentler, “Of course I feel this way.”

Of course I feel pain

Of course I feel anger

Of course I feel grief

Of course I feel afraid

Of course I occasionally lose my shit and become emotionally reactive

Of course there is tension in my shoulders

Of course there are tears

Of course I am exhausted

Of course I crave escape and numbness

Of course my eating disorder flared up when I quit drinking

Of course I feel overwhelmed by current politics and world events

Of course I feel pissed off my driver’s license has been suspended since 2015

Of course it’s hard to focus on work right now

Of course I’m beating myself up; that’s all I’ve known for 20 years

Of course I feel lonely

Of course I need some extra rest

Of course I need some extra TLC

Of course I need some extra support

Of course, sweetheart, of course

Now, each time I catch myself in that not good enough schema I choose to stop, validate my own experience and emotions, shower myself with care, and then get curious. These emotions are not here to use as fuel for negative self-talk. What is this feeling trying to teach me?

Changing a two decade old pattern hasn’t been easy or perfect; I am forever learning. But continuing to beat myself up was never going to help me quit drinking. I am good enough. I am worthy of love and support and positive self-talk. By simply noticing my emotions and welcoming whatever pops up with open arms, I begin to reclaim my truest, always-been-good-enough self.

Of course I feel this way.

"Life is alchemy, and emotions are the fire that turns me to gold. I will continue to become only if I resist extinguishing myself a million times a day. If I can sit in the fire of my own feelings, I will keep becoming." -Glennon Doyle