I honor and protect everything that comes along with being me

The second time I went to a 12 step based inpatient rehab program, in 2015, was at a 90 day women’s facility in Grand Rapids, Michigan. One of the mantras we lived by was, “the only way to get sober is to change everything but your name.” Sadly, that made sense at the time because I still believed I was just an alcoholic, bulimic loser who was in rehab to avoid jail time. Changing everything but my name felt like winning.

But here’s the thing, the more I tried to change and deny myself, the sicker I became.

Because I am someone who engages in cross-addictive behaviors, I was discharged on day 76 of my stay, after a trash bag filled with puke was found in my closet where I purged every night. That was at a drug and alcohol facility. They had zero tolerance for my eating disorder, which isn’t uncommon.

So there I was, sober from alcohol; but also being taught to reject every single part of myself, twenty pounds lighter, and more disassociated than the day I arrived.

What I have learned since then is, changing everything but my name doesn’t work. What I need in order to be okay is to honor and protect everything that comes along with being Kelsi. I need to work with my highly sensitive, highly anxious self, rather than against her. I need to become more of myself, not less.

For me, this wouldn’t be possible without alone time, endless self-compassion, and Tempest. It’s difficult to get to know myself when I am constantly bombarded with messages from the outside world about how I should be. It’s difficult to get to know my truest self while engaged in a program that gave me a shameful label, suggests I am filled with character defects, and tells me I cannot be trusted with myself.

That rehab stay was a traumatic hell. Being told to deny all parts of myself did not help me feel seen or heard, all it did was reinforce my alcoholic, bulimic loser shame.

But now, years later, I feel lucky to have the opportunity to reconnect with and RECOVER that girl I was taught to bury. I was not born just to spend life trying to be someone else. I am not changing everything but my name. Instead, I am embracing everything that comes along with being me.

“I will not stay, not ever again - in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself.” -Glennon Doyle