I reclaim my alone time

For the past five months, I have been given the gift of about 30 hours of alone time each week. Admittingly though, at first, this alone time felt more like torture than a gift. I have been without a driver’s license since 2015, which has forced me into a 7 year situation that mirrors the COVID lockdown period. Daily bike rides to the park with my dog have become my version of getting out of the house.

Sometime around 2006, I began spending all of my alone time either binging and purging or drinking. Anything to distract myself from myself. Alone time used to feel like the scariest thing in the world because all of my emotions came to the surface. Alone time forces me to look at my discomfort, fear, confusion, and overwhelm straight in the eye.

In order to survive these past 5 months, I have clung to these Brianna Weist words like a lifeline:

“What if, in the moments you feel most alone, 

you begin to realize that you are also free? 

What if you could see that in these very moments you fear most, 

you are also completely unburdened from the expectations of others, 

able to define and redefine yourself, 

to explore life on your own terms, 

to hear the sound of your own voice? 

What if being on your own, in any capacity, 

is a sign of self-sufficiency and courage? 

What if you’ve already made it? 

What if instead of believing your aloneness is a sign you have failed, 

you realize that it is proof you have accomplished the most daring thing of all?”

This summer started out feeling painfully lonely for me. However, as time passed and I learned to lovingly fill my time, I have found true freedom. Making the decision to stop numbing my emotions with booze and food has given me space to get to know myself without input from the outside world, to create a routine that works for me. For the first time in my life, I am learning to become my own best friend. I am learning to ride my own emotional waves. I am learning, as Weist says, that I have accomplished the most daring thing of all.

The key to sobriety for me, is learning to create a life I do not want to escape from. In my experience, this has not been possible without reclaiming my alone time. Sometimes I complain about still not having a driver’s license; but sometimes, I also wonder if it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me. Not driving has given me extra space to indulge in the greatest gift of all - alone time.

I reclaim my alone time.