My brain never shuts up. Never.
This might sound ridiculous, but when I was deep into my eating disorder, I was so deprived of nutrients that it became difficult for me to think clearly. The only thing I had to worry about was my food intake (or lack there of). Anything more than that was simply too much. It became exhausting, overwhelming, and a waste of time to use the little brain power I had left.
Sadly, but oh so truly, I miss that aspect of my ED.
Now that I am well into weight restoration and I'm bulging out of every piece of clothing I own, my brain is screaming at me. I feel like I am no longer in control of my life. In a sense, it was actually easier to be sick. In a speech from Laura Hill, an eating disorder specialist, she explains:
"Silence doesn't come to anorexia patients if they're eating. When a person without anorexia eats, brain is relatively quiet. When a person with anorexia eats, they experience high anxiety, thought disturbance, and "noise." The noisy AN brain [has] layers of noise. The longer [they] delay eating, the lower the noise gets. Recovery doesn't mean that the noise goes away, it means you understand it and manage it better."
The stubborn and still very sick part of my brain is outraged. Yes, I want to get better, but I certainly don't want my anxiety to get WORSE. And yes, I know my body image is beyond distorted at this time, but I feel like all of this "hard work" is making me a little bit crazier with every bite I take. My eating disorder was a way to quiet the nonstop noise that constantly ran laps in my brain. Not only am I being forced to deal with years of repressed feelings, I'm expected to face my biggest fear, weight gain, at the same time. Ridiculous. I'm fed up.
Most of the therapists I have talked to have told me that once I hit my healthy weight, my brain will suddenly switch and be okay with the weight gain. If I'm being brutally honest, I say that's bull shit. I'm worried that I will never be okay with that number & be more miserable than I was when I started this journey.
I apologize for such a downer post, but I think being honest about my feelings actually helps the acceptance process. I have become an expert at keeping my feelings in, but I think it's time to let it all out. If I want to deal with these feelings, I believe honesty will be the best policy... Even if it isn't always pretty.
I think this quote fits perfectly for the mood I'm in today.
“Sometimes, loving your body is not an option. Sometimes, the best we can do is accept our bodies as the changeable, beautiful, frustrating vessels they are. That’s OK. Expecting yourself to have a full-on love affair with your body at all times is asking too much. Bodies are occasionally annoying. What we can do is know them, and decide for ourselves when they feel good, and when they feel less good, and what we might do to make them feel better again. Even if we can’t love our bodies, we can make sure we don’t hate them.”