Week number 8.
Day number 1.
Eight weeks ago today I was admitted to an inpatient eating disorder program. Eight weeks is a long time, but it feels like only yesterday. They say time flies when you're having fun. I would say the past eight weeks have been anything BUT fun. I have been challenged, pushed to my limit, striped of emotions, forced to take off the multiple masks I wear, and hardest of all, come clean about my illness.
I have been forced to be honest with myself and loved ones. It hasn't been an easy road so far and I have an overwhelming amount of work ahead of me. However, with a little help from my roommates and support system, I have learned to allow myself to see the light during my darkest days.
Finally, I have given up the thought that after almost a decade of suffering I can do this alone. I'm letting go of the idea that this will be easy. Letting go of my people pleasing tendencies, black & white thinking, and constant self critism.
Eating disorders are difficult to understand unless you live and breath it. People think things like... "Eat a sandwich, it's not that hard," or "Eating disorders are self-centered."
I'm here to come to terms with my illness and beat it for good! I have a long and difficult road ahead, but after 8 weeks of treatment I have finally realized I can't do this alone. Writing about my daily struggles will help my loved ones understand & help me realize it's OKAY to lean on others to help me through.
As I sit down to my crazy breakfast of champions- chocolate pudding & granola, I remind myself, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life..." Why not make the most of it? :)
Happy Monday!
Kelsi
ReplyDeleteThe more I learn about you the more I wish we were closer. This took some serious balls to write and I give you so much credit for not only writing this but for going through what you're going through.
It's tough to love and hate food at the same time. Trust me I know. Not that I get what it is exactly you're going through but I believe I can understand it on some very fundamental levels because of my own but different battles.
I'm cheering for you Kelsi and I'm serious one of these days we'll have to get together. I feel like we should be much better friends than we ever got the chance to be before.
You constantly surprise me and I'm so incredibly proud of you.
Keep on swimming girl :)
Luvumuch Sissy!!!! What a incredibly hard thing to put into words, but you did............:-) , it is beautiful in so many ways, makes me cry, smile and jump for joy all at the same time! WOW! Can't wait to give you big hugs and kisses and have you relaxing at the "Murray Resort"!!!!
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