Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Stretchy Fat Pants

Its just after lunch and I'm miserably full. Thanksgiving in July is how I feel every time I leave that stupid kitchen. Today I had to unbutton my pants before I was half way through the meal- thank goodness I'm wearing a long shirt today! My roommate, Carrie, and I have a "burn bag" in our closet with clothes that have quickly become too small. Looks like my favorite jeans need to be tossed into the already overflowing bag. 

After meals all I want to do is nap; close my eyes and escape from this nightmare. I feel sluggish and have to fight back the tears. Miserable. I need my stretchy, fat pants.

As difficult as the days can be, it is comforting to know that I am not going through this alone. The other patients here all feel exactly the same way I do. There have been countless meals I would not have survived without my supportive roomies cheering me on. Even on my worst days, there are always moments of hope. We laugh, joke, and just at act silly sometimes. I forgot what it felt like to be silly.

An eating disorder takes away every part of you. It changes the person you are, makes you question your morals, and ruins relationships. It makes you question your self worth, nothing is ever good enough. No matter how low the number in the scale goes, the eating disorder somehow convinces you it's not low enough. Everything is lost. Often I felt like I was wondering aimlessly. I didn't have a purpose or reason to wake up in the morning except to please my ED. It didn't take long for me to forget who I was. 

I was completely consumed for almost a decade. I did everything I could to cover it up, even if that meant lying or stealing.  Every second of everyday I obsessed with food; what I just ate, what I was going to eat next, even what I was going to eat next week. I would hit a certain number on the scale, be proud for a second and then move on to my next goal weight. It was an endless cycle and nothing I did was ever good enough for ED.

Thankfully, I have met some extremely courageous and inspiring people since I have been in treatment. Slowly, but surely, these girls (and one guy) are showing me how to let go of those old obsessions. They are teaching me to be silly and make fun out of this crazy, difficult time in our lives. I have quickly made some lifelong friends who instantly understood me better than anyone ever has. I'm blessed.

I may have started this journey kicking, screaming, and down right pissed off, but I'm starting to realize there is nowhere else I would rather be right now. Yes, being miserably full sucks and facing my fear foods on a daily basis is a challenge, but I'm doing it! 

Nine weeks ago when I started this journey I never dreamed I would have come this far, but here I am. Not only am I doing this, I'm actually taking the time to enjoy being silly again. I am being given an opportunity to start fresh and find exactly what I want out of this crazy thing called life. I might be miserably full and bulging out of my stretchy fat pants, but if this misery can lead to a new start, it's worth ever bite. :)


  1. Love you, Kels. You are a fighter and a beautiful young lady that I am so proud to call my cousin and good friend. Sending you hugs and kisses from Chicago!

  2. Beautiful blog Kels. Praying for you. Love that you are being silly.

  3. Kelsi,
    Seriously I feel like we're dealing with the same thing only in reverse. You lost weight and I gained it excessively. While some of that on my end was medically related I have to take the responsibility for the part that was all me.
    The part where you talked about constantly thinking about your next meal and what you were going to eat next and even a week from now really rung true for me. Hell I'm already thinking about what I want to bring to my family's Christmas party.
    I'm glad that we're both dealing with this at the same time. I've never been more serious about getting healthy and I've been dieting for as long as I can remember. I did atkins, the grapefruit diet, slim fast and the cabage soup all before I was twelve. I realize now that I'm going to deal with this difficult relationship with food for my whole life but I don't have to suffer from it.
    I've made a huge change and I'm a work in progress but there is progress and I'm so glad that you're also seeing progress even if it is hard work.
    I'm rooting for you Kelsi and I can't wait until the next time we see each other and how far we've both come by then. I really hope that when you can you come out and join us at Book Club :)