50lbs

I've been debating whether or not I should even publish this post for days now, but here it goes. I'll make it short and sweet.

My weight was down a little bit this week. I was excited about it; actually, my eating disorder was happy about it. At first I couldn't even bring myself to tell anyone because I was ashamed. After all of this hard work, how could I possibly be excited? It was unbearable.

For a few weeks now, my therapist has been after me to delete all of my Facebook pictures that are triggering, which is just stupid. Just about every single picture on my Facebook is during the time of my eating disorder. I don't think I should be expected to delete my entire past. I did, however, manage to untag myself from a few during the worst of it. 

Years went by and I didn't think anybody knew. I didn't see myself as sick looking, so that meant, in my brain, nobody else would either. Other girls with eating disorders stood out like a sore thumb to me; I wanted to be as thin as they were. Even when I entered treatment, I didn't think I was thin enough to be there. The reason I'm sharing all of this is because of these two pictures:

As difficult as it is to see the first image, it's also one of the biggest steps in recovery I've taken to date- I can finally see how sick I was. There is a 50lb weight difference between the two pictures. Doesn't even look like the same person. BUT, it's the biggest motivator ever. My therapist's favorite saying is,"you're as sick as your secrets," which is the reason I'm choosing the post this today. This is a personal and somewhat terrifying moment, but it's also a pretty important one. It deserves to be shared.

With my weight back up to where it should be, I am proud to say, I am thrilled about it. I never thought I'd say this, but a 50lb weight gain has never looked better. :)

Progress.