Sunday, December 30, 2012

Bye Bye 2012

I seem to be having a difficult time writing my end of the year blog post. When I look back at this year, it’s nearly impossible for me to believe everything that has happened and how dramatically different my life has become.

How are we already in the final hours of 2012? Just yesterday I was running around downtown Traverse City bringing in this eventful year. As I watched this video from last year's ball drop, I quickly began to feel a lump in the back of my throat and tears building up behind my eyes. 2012 will, without a doubt, be the most memorable year of my life. Not necessarily the best memories a girl could ask for, but they will be with me forever.

If I take myself back to 365 days ago, I find myself in a state of despair; unsure of what my future would bring, but completely sure I was in need of a dramatic change. I didn't make any resolutions last year. What was the point? I had given up on everything and everyone, especially myself.

 Honestly, deep down I believed my illness had gotten too out of control to ever be cured. In many different ways I was unreachable and in a constant state of emptiness. As a cry for help, I quickly hit my own rock bottom in early 2012. My life was spiraling out of control and I didn't have the power to stop it. 

It seemed too daunting for me to make a list of my best moments from this year because only one or two good things stick out in my mind. Yes, my life has definitely changed for the better, but it feels like I've been to hell and back. Nothing about recovering from an eating disorder is easy, enjoyable or short lived. This is a battle I will be fighting every single day, potentially, for the rest of my life.

However, after all of the tears, temper tantrums and an ungodly number of frozen meals consumed, I wouldn't trade this year or my eating disorder in for anything. Without the experiences and the friendships I have made over the past 365 days, I wouldn't be anywhere near the same person I am today. I wouldn't have this opportunity to start my life fresh; I have a clean slate. I would still be wondering aimlessly through life, hoping someone would save me. Instead, however, I finally have the power to change all of that and find out who I am.

Finally, after a year guilt and despise, I can truly see my eating disorder as a blessing in disguise. My one and only resolution for 2013 will be to constantly remind myself of the progress I have made- it is my favorite word, after all. :)


Happy New Year!