Monday, January 7, 2013

First Day of School

Today is my first day of school.

Honestly, I have never felt more like a little kid in my entire life. Yesterday I spent way too much time organizing my books and folders, getting an outfit ready and even packing a sack lunch, all in preparation for my big first day of school. Last night my mom found this picture of me on my official first day of school about 20 years ago. So, obviously, I felt the need to pose with my backpack on this big day, too.

Me- "I'm so sick of this. I don't want to try anymore. I'm done."
My therapist- "Kelsi, this is one of the best opportunities you will ever have. This is a brand new start and you can do whatever you want with you life. How exciting!"
Me- "Okay, whatever. I'm still sick of this. I am losing my patients with recovery."

Like many of the conversations I've had with my poor therapist, this one seems to be repeated almost every single week. Yes, I understand that recovery is an opportunity for me to start over, but up until today it hasn't felt like it. What I often times forget to remind myself of is, that it has taken almost a year of preparation and hard work to get me ready for this day.

Last year at this time, I was beginning the downward spiral which ultimately led to my rock bottom. Eventually, I would like to share the details of my rock bottom, but I'm not quite ready for that today. What I can share at this time is, that I had lost everything and honestly didn't think I would ever be able to dig myself out of the mess I had created. I had completely given up on myself. I was a lost cause. My life seemed to have lost all sense of purpose and I did not believe I was capable of doing anything about it.

Today, however, everything changes. Finally, I can see that my rock bottom led me to discover my purpose in life and I couldn't be more grateful for that. With the start of school, also starts my journey towards rebuilding my life. That new start my therapist has been talking about for months is finally here and for the first time I finally understand what she was talking about.

There are many, many changes taking place in my life right now and while it's super exciting, I know it will also be another test in my recovery. This is just the beginning.

The little girl in the first picture has given me a little extra inspiration today. Her smile is genuine and innocent. She, too, is about to embark on a new journey and as frieghtening as it might be, she is ready. For the first time, probably ever, the girl in the second picture has the same genuine smile. If the little girl from 20 years ago can tackle a new beginning, then I finally feel like I am capable of that, too.