Monday, January 28, 2013

Sick As Your Secrets

Once again, instead of studying for biology, I have decided writing sounded much more appealing; hopefully this doesn't become a problem as the semester continues...

My mind is racing today. The are some very important things happening in my life right now. As I continue to progress in my recovery, things seem to get more and more difficult. Why is that? Personally, I think the opposite should be true. Right? The better my coping skills get, the easier my life should be. Apparently that isn't quite how it works.

There is something that I've been wanting to talk about for quite sometime, but haven't had the guts to do it yet. Honesty, I have learned, is the number one most important thing for me in my recovery. So if that is true, I guess it's time to share the rest of my story. 

As most of you know, I recently began writing for Libero Network. After communicating with them on Twitter and volunteering to share my stories (eating disorder and alcoholism), they asked me to be a part of their team. My story about the struggles I faced with alcohol is probably the main reason I was asked to be a part of the team. Today that story was published, which probably explains why my mind is racing (Read my full story here).
 
For obvious reasons, I am a nervous wreck as a result. This might be too much information, but I don't think I have stopped sweating since this afternoon when I saw that picture of me and a link to my story on my Facebook newfeed; Libero Network had shared a link with the world revealing my deepest, darkest secret. This isn't something that many people in my life know about. It has been kept a secret to protect my precious pride.

Well, I can't take it anymore. For almost a year, I have kept the fact that I got a DUI a secret and it's starting to haunt me. Sharing all of my struggles with the eating disorder has allowed a tremendous weight to be lifted off my shoulders, but the shame from the alcohol abuse is still suffocating me. 

Not many people realize that eating disorders and substance abuse of some kind go together quite frequently. For me, personally, once I found out drinking did a much better job of numbing my anxieties than starving myself did, it became my new addiction of choice. But for whatever reason, talking about eating disorders is much more socially acceptable than alcoholism and I think it's time to put an end to that. Yes, it's shameful and scary to talk about, but it sure beats keeping this big, black secretive cloud over my head for the rest of my life.

The reason I have chosen to share this with all of you is, I feel like I have finally reached a point where I can see my struggles with alcohol as a blessing in disguise. Without getting in trouble for my actions, it's hard to say where I would be today; that's actually a really scary thought. Today I am so thankful.

Like I have said before, my favorite recovery saying is, "You are as sick as your secrets." My secrets are officially gone.

(Serious) Progress (!!!!!)

11 comments:

  1. I'm so proud of you for getting out there and sharing your secrets. When we have eating disorders, that's all our lives are!! You're finally silencing ED by speaking out!! <3

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    1. Thanks Sarah! It is a good feeling- Thanks again for being such a strong support in my recovery! You are amazing <3

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  2. Kelsi you are amazing! and your courage is so inspiring! So glad to have you as part of the Libero Network team! Don't forget this day - it should be marked on your calendar as a day of celebration! So proud of you. YOU are changing lives through your story :) -Lauren B.

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    1. Lauren, thank you soooo much! You have given me the opportunity to share my story & continue to make progress. This is a big day & I will be marking it down in my calender! :) Liberation, Libero, Freedom!!
      <3

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  3. Kelsi, this is amazing. I completely understand how hard it is to open up and share this with the world, I never told anyone about my anorexia until just about two years ago. I think you have to just be in the right frame of mind and be proud that you went through this and came out stronger. You are an amazing person and you are so strong! <3

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    1. You're exactly right- you have to be in the right frame of mind and in a good space mentally in order to share this stuff. But once it's out there it's almost like life begins again. So liberating! Thanks so much for your kind words! <3

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  4. "You are as sick as your secrets" - so true. Few serious illnesses invade our lives alone. They always seem to bring one or two of their unwanted friends and self-medicating with whatever substance is handy is very common. As you courageously share your story, you help to remove the stigma for those who come after you. And...your own shoulders get lighter. Congrats Kelsi.

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    1. Thanks Aunt Judy <3 It's definitely a huge sense of relief. I'm breathing a little easier this morning. It's a very happy day! :)

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  5. Kelsi, it is amazing to read your story! I have been following your blog and it just goes to show how it is possible to overcome addictions. I wish you the very best as you continue your recovery! Your recent post on the Libero Network about alcoholism must have taken such courage. You are truly a blessing to those who struggle with ED and Alcoholism. It is also a true blessing to read how your life is being changed day by day. Keep it up!

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    1. Steve, this comment made my day. Thank you so much! It's taken me awhile to reach this point, but I really do feel very blessed. I can't tell you how much your support means to me. So good to hear from you <3

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