Thinking back to the complete blur that was my first week of treatment, one thing that sticks out in my mind was the unbearable pain I felt as I started to let go of my eating disorder. For nearly a decade, I put on a mask and covered up who I really am deep down inside.
Without an eating disorder, who am I? Seems like an easy enough question, but after spending my late teens and early twenties with my head buried in the ground, formulating an answer has been gruesome at times.
This list actually took me a few days to make. The exercise wasn't as straight forward as I was expecting, but here goes nothing. Without my eating disorder I am..
a sister
a daughter
a best friend
a cousin
a sock monkey lover
a morning person
a coffee drinker
a kind soul
a writer
a good listener
a good listener
a wannabe traveler
a southern belle
a crier
a crier
a Detroit tigers fan
a child of the sun
a neat freak
a gum chewer
Muzzy's best friend
a giggler
a Carrie Bradshaw fan
far from perfect
a horrible driver
a culinary school graduate
an over thinker
a professional shower singer
For me, when I think about what recovery means to me, finding out who I am without an eating disorder is at the top of the list. Over the years, I'm sure this list will change and grow, and I'm sure I missed a few things that should be on the list today. However, a year ago this list didn't even exist. Deep down, I didn't think I was anything, except an eating disorder.
Progress.
This one of my favorites posts. We are all many things...and yet we find our minds obsessing on our perceived inadequacies. PS...I'd love to hear your shower singing. I bet it's good. Aunt Judy
ReplyDeleteHaha, no my shower singing is terrible. Lars gets pretty annoyed with it, actually. :)
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