Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Closing the ED Door

 
The theme of my therapy sessions over the past several weeks has been pretty consistent: "When one door closes, another door opens." No matter how many times my therapist repeats this, I still remain hung up on certain things. When it comes to my eating disorder, I have found that I can almost completely close that door, but there are few other things in my life that I am unable to shut out for some reason. I found this quote yesterday and it reminded me of my most recent therapy sessions.


"That is why it is so important to let certain things go. 
To release them. 
To cut loose. 

People need to understand that no one 
is playing with marked cards; 
sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. 

Don’t expect to get anything back, 
don’t expect recognition for your efforts, 
don’t expect your genius to be discovered 
or your love to be understood. 

Complete the circle. 
Not out of pride, 
inability or arrogance, 
but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. 

Close the door, 
change the record, 
clean the house, 
get rid of the dust. 

Stop being who you were and become who you are."
 

A part of me thinks I could write a million posts on letting go and closing doors, yet I would still find myself unable to practice what I preach. Some doors are just more difficult to close than others. Like many things in my life, I tend to focus on the big, scary doors that seem impossible to close, rather than the smaller doors that I have already closed and locked behind me.

Recovery means constantly closing small doors so other doors can open up. That's what progress is. Some doors are huge and some doors are barely visible, but they all hold an equal level of importance. My eating disorder no longer fits into the life I am striving to live. That door has closed.

Recovery has meant closing doors on certain relationships, as well. Learning the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is still a work in progress for me, but it is much better than when  I started this journey. As the quote says, it's really important to simply let things go that no longer fit into our lives. Somehow, however, I need to learn to stop feeling guilty for doing so. That door has yet to be closed.
 
Recovery also means letting go of who I was to become who I am. Currently, I have yet to figure out exactly who I am without my eating disorder, but I know I am getting closer everyday. The doors of my past eating disordered identity are slowly closing and those new, exciting doors of my true self are finally opening.
 
Progress. 

8 comments:

  1. You have seriously just been in my head lately, in all the right ways. You have such a fresh perspective that I think we all know yet find it hard to verbalize.

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    1. Well thanks Alex. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. :)

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  2. I hear this too. When one door closes, another one opens. Give to receive. If we hold it, nothing will change. It's easy to say, but it's hard to do. I think it is hard for everybody, even for people without Ed. But, it is extremely hard for us, and it is really a daily practice to believe that and "let go". I remember someone said to me, ".... but there is always tomorrow." It hit me, because I didn't have the concept in my mind. There is no tomorrow, and so I need to keep holding things once I grab or they come. What helps me to see my own progress. How much have I let go in my life? Like you said, little by little... The only thing that we can do is to keep trying. Recovery never fail, and it happens slowly little by little, one thing at a time, and one day at a time.

    Thank you, Kelsi. I am feeling down today, and feel so good to know that I have a like-minded friend. xoxo

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    1. You always have such great comments. Thank you! Letting go of things is extremely difficult, like you said, but I think I am finally allowing myself to accept that. Tomorrow is a new day and another opportunity to move forward. I'm glad we're in this together, too. :)

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  3. Closing doors sometimes is like trying to move a 500 lbs. grizzly bear- feels like it just won't happen.
    I'm glad to see that you're learning new ways to close your doors, it's a huge step for you! :)

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    1. Ahaha - I LOVE the 500lb grizzly bear analogy! You're the best, Kenzie <3

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  4. I love this post. i think i should really close the ED door and REALLY trying to recover and fight the voice instead of askin myself if she may says the truth. i know she doesnt. i think im just afraid i will regret it. but i know i wont. logic doesnt always win. but i know it doesnt fit my life anymore. thank you for this post xx

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