Sunday, June 30, 2013

Am I Worth It?

After receiving an email from a recovery buddy explaining her belief that she is not worthy of recovery, I began thinking about worth. What does it actually mean to be worthy of something?

During my entire stay in treatment and occasionally from time to time I still question whether or not I am worthy of recovery. As I type that I realize how silly that may sound to most of you. Whenever I hear someone say that about themselves I automatically think they are delusional. Of course they are worth recovery. Why can't they see it for themselves?

More often than not, I tend to be my own worst enemy. Harsh self judgments and thoughts of inadequacy drove my eating disorder for years. The way I saw myself was completely different than what the rest of the world saw in me. 

But why didn't I ever think I deserved to recover? 
Was it out of fear of letting my eating disorder go? 
Was it because I believed the eating disorder was my fault? 
Was it because I knew there are people with far worse problems in this world than me?
Was it because the eating disorder thoughts told me I was worthless for so long? 
Did I believe I had made too many mistakes to ever be worth loving again?
Maybe it was a combination of all of these things. All I knew for sure was no one could convince me that I was worthy - except myself.

We live in a society that places so much emphasis on social status, physical appearance, and material possessions, but do any of those things actually bring worth? I am starting to believe those things may bring a temporary and false sense of worthiness, but if I don't believe in myself none of that matters.

Your body doesn't determine your worth.
Society doesn't determine your worth.
Your past doesn't determine your worth.
Your future doesn't determine your worth.
Your talents don't determine your worth.
Your shortcomings don't determine your worth.
Your relationship status doesn't determine your worth.
Your clothes don't determine your worth.
Your occupation doesn't determine your worth.
Your mistakes don't determine your worth.
You are worthy. 

"You are valuable because you exist. Not because of what you do or what you have done - but simply because you are."  -Max Lucado

Worth comes from within. If we continue to look for acceptance in physical objects, we will be searching for the rest of our lives. I think my own worth comes from following my own path, finding my bliss, independence, meaningful connections with others, treating myself with respect, and most importantly, believing in myself and my recovery.


  1. Hey I'm the one who wrote you that email ;)
    Thank you for listening and posting, as always.

  2. As I was reading your list of things that do not cause your worth my thought was thus:
    "This is the first time I am going to have to disagree with Kelsi, she is going to say that You determine your worth"y
    However that is not what you said, and that makes me delighted. Every single human is worthy of salvation, recovery and all of God's gifts. All that he asks is that we accept Jesus into our lives and let him control our futures. The gifts that come with that choice will prove to anyone that while they are inherently unworthy, if they carry the holy spirit with them they will be worthy of anything in the world
    Your anonymous fan

    1. I'm pretty sure that would not have been the first time you disagreed with me lol. You know my current views on religion... working on it. <3

  3. This post hits right on my face today. I am being in so much pain to feel that I am worthless. I don't know how to stop what I feel. Things are just not working today for me. I hate it. It has been so long chronically, and sometimes, a storm hits me. I always appreciate your being here or there. You are such a wonderful person. Love, Kyoko

    1. I can't remember if I have told you before but, I felt the way you did during most of my stay in treatment. However, the good thing is I also found that my hardest days were when I learned the most. All you have to do is get through this rough patch. It'll all make sense someday. For now just take it one day at a time. Sending a big hug! xx