A switch has been made in my brain. I'm not exactly sure when this happened, but I noticed it yesterday for the first time... ever.
When I first came home from treatment, anytime anyone brought up their diet or health-related-food-talk in general I would instantly become triggered. If I noticed my mom was eating a banana instead of a brownie it automatically meant she was trying to lose weight. Every single time I turned on the radio or the TV, I was bombarded with a new ridiculous diet ad. The girl who sat next to me in class would also constantly talk about how she wanted to lose 10lbs for spring break.
At that time I was hyper sensitive to all food talk - healthy or unhealthy. The less I knew about your diet the more likely we were to be friends. My meal plan became the only food related business I wanted to hear about and that was more than enough because it was all I thought about.
Just last week a good friend of mine was sending me pictures of a few of the healthy foods he keeps around the house and before I knew it, I was annoyed and asking him to please STOP. The treatment center I went to did an outstanding job of desensitizing me to "fear foods." Although I understand eating Reese's peanut butter cups instead of an apple is not the best choice for my health, I still pick the Reese's because I CAN for the first time in probably 15 years.
In my head when people tell me about their new healthy eating resolutions, it makes me feel like my new exciting relationship with unhealthy foods is somehow 'not good enough' or wrong. I have spent a good year developing this new relationship with food, so if I am made to feel like it is somehow incorrect I automatically get defensive.
Slowly, however, over the past 8 or 9 months since I have been home from treatment, those thoughts and triggers have somehow disappeared. Last night while discussing healthy eating again, I realized that my eating habits will always be different from those of others - eating disorder related or not. I don't think a perfect relationship with food exists, so to compare my diet to anyone else is a waste of time.
Yesterday I also read a post from a fellow recovery blogger about her experience on the Whole 30 Diet. At first I was a little confused about why someone who previously struggled with an eating disorder would attempt to do something like this, but as I read the post I realized it wasn't about ME. She is doing what is right for her at this point in her life and she is seeing huge benefits - yay for her! Who am I to negatively judge a healthy lifestyle change in some else's life? (I told you something in my brain has switched... who is this Kelsi?)
This post would not be complete without a quote, so here is my quote for the day:
"You be you and I’ll be me, today and today and today, and let’s trust the future to tomorrow. Let the stars keep track of us. Let us ride our own orbits and trust that they will meet." -Jerry Spinelli
I seem to need a continuous reminder that my recovery is about doing what is right for ME regardless of the nonstop diet talk in today's society. Most of my life has been spent attempting to become an exact replicate of those around me, but that only got me into serious trouble over the years. I might even be your friend if you choose to discuss your diet with me now. Separating myself and realizing that I am eating in a way that is healthy for me at this point in my life is all I need to focus on today.
You be you and I'll be me.