As I mentioned in a previous post, last week I helped out with an interview showcasing my old treatment center for a local news station. Last night the piece aired. After watching it a few times this morning, I'm having a difficult time putting into words exactly how I feel about it. Click the link below to view the video clip.
If I am being completely honest, I was quite excited to see my big television debut. As I watched it, however, I began wishing my TV appearance wasn't quite so depressing. It was not an easy thing to watch. For quite sometime now, I have been avoiding those old pictures and focusing on the endless health benefits involved in recovery instead. Maybe my internal optimist was expecting to see a more upbeat story rather than this four minute downer.
When an individual is consumed in their eating disorder, everyday life is completely distorted. During the time that most of those photos were taken I did not see how thin I actually was. In my twisted eating disorder mind, I really believed I needed to lose a few more pounds.
While being reminded of my past is rather painful at times, luckily I can see past that and focus on amount of progress I have made since then. Sometimes it's impossible to see small changes because I live with myself every single day. This past week I have felt trapped in my current situation, but after seeing this video those thoughts have vanished.
Recovery is a long, long journey and I could not be more thankful for my new found perspective thanks to this video. There might be times when I feel stuck in recovery, but that girl in the video did not even believe she had a future. Eating disorders are an ugly disease. The recovery process, on the other hand, although demanding and terrifying at times, is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me.
As I shed a few tears while viewing that video, I felt a little disappointed in myself for letting my eating disorder get as bad as it did. My exciting television premier might have been a bit of a downer, but more importantly, it reminded me of the how much can change if recovery is taken seriously. My past will always be a part of who I am whether I like it or not. Luckily, with the choices I make every single day, I can decide how my future will play out. Maybe my next TV appearance will be a little more uplifting. ;)