I wrap myself in a blanket of love

Most nights while curled up in my bed attempting to drift off into a sweet slumber, my mind begins to race. The stillness and the quiet allow unwanted memories to surface making it difficult to fall asleep. Last night, for example, I began ruminating about the shameful things I did while drunk, about the people I hurt, about the many bridges I have burned. Thinking about the years of self-neglect makes me feel a bit nauseous.

One of my favorite tricks for dealing with these traumatizing flashbacks is to close my eyes and imagine my past self wrapped in a blanket of love. The blanket that I imagine is purple and fuzzy and all encompassing. It helps me swap out shame for compassion. The blanket surrounds my past hurting self with grace. It whispers sweet nothings of forgiveness and kindness. It reminds me that the things I did while drunk do not make me a bad person, they simply make me a human who attempted to self-soothe in a messy world.

Wrapping myself in an imaginary blanket of love creates space for healing. It helps me tread lightly into those memories instead of continuing to forcefully numb them out. My past and present selves do not deserve further neglect. I deserve to be loved and cared for. Wrapping those tender memories in a blanket of love is an act of self-care.

With the colder, darker months upon us, it can be easy for me to get lost in a sea of doom and gloom. My unwanted memories live in the dark. But this year, with a little imagination, I can greet the darkness of my past with the softest, fuzziest purple blanket of light and love. I can cozy up to those memories instead of allowing them to interfere with my precious hibernation.

I wrap myself in a blanket of love.

Progress.