Leaning Into Uncertainty

The Universe has been throwing me some serious curveballs lately. Last week my partner and I were supposed to move to a new town. I put in two weeks notice at my job. I started packing. I was excited for a new chapter. And then, just two days before our move in date, we viewed the place for the first time. The carpets had not been cleaned, the ceiling was covered in cobwebs, and there was a frisbee-sized grease stain on the stove. We decided it was too dirty and too overpriced. The move didn’t happen.

So here I am: unemployed during the holidays and forced to lean into uncertainty. Bah humbug.

Sure, I could go back to my old job. But while driving thru Taco Bell last week, I noticed a sign that said they are hiring and paying entry level workers $4 more per hour than my previous shitty kitchen job was paying me. And I have a culinary arts degree, for goodness sakes. Don’t get me wrong, my old job did teach me some important lessons and got me back on my feet in early sobriety. However, Taco Bell helped me decide that I am done being overworked and exploited with my level of experience.

It has been one week since my last day of work. For seven days I have been complaining about feeling cooped up and bored. And yet, all of this downtime has made me realize that I have been running myself ragged for an entire year as a way to avoid pain and difficult emotions. I have been overexercising and ignoring my body’s hunger cues. My shoulders and neck are constantly sore from all of the tension. I am malnourished and desperate for a change, which is exactly what the Universe has given me. It might not be the change I was expecting, but it’s still a change nonetheless.

The good news is, I am sober. And miraculously, this curveball has not made me crave alcohol. I can trust that the Universe will catch me because, for the first time in my life, I trust myself enough to not drink. Thankfully, I have enough money in my savings account to survive on for an entire year. Even better, there is a new coffee shop opening just two blocks from me in January. I will be okay.

Quotes always seem to appear in my life when I need them most. This one is no exception: “Her nervous system had been through so much. She decided to spend the rest of her life calming the inflammation. Thoughts, feelings, memories, behavior, relations. She soothed it all with deep, loving breaths and gentle practices. The softer she became with herself, the softer she became with the world, which became softer with her. She birthed a new generational cycle: Peace.” 

-Jaiya John

Maybe this is my chance to step into a softer way of life. Maybe I don’t need to push myself to the point of breaking anymore. Like the quote says, my nervous system has been through more than enough. All I need to do is focus on renourishing, resting, and breathing until another work opportunity falls into place.

All I need to do is be gentle with my body.

All I need to do is cultivate a little more peace.

All I need to do is slow down, lean into uncertainty, 

and trust that the Universe has given me exactly what I need.

Progress.