My driver’s license was suspended in 2015 after my second DUI and I haven’t been able to get it back since. Not being able to drive limits the jobs I am able to take. If the job is not within walking distance it is out of the question. Having a criminal record also hinders the hiring process. Next week I am interviewing for a job that I am two degrees and ten years of experience overqualified for, which has sent me into a raging shame spiral.
Society, white patriarchal norms, and late stage capitalism have painted a narrow view in my mind of what it means to be successful: a husband, a six figure job with health insurance, kids, a mortgage, a pool, a mini van, fancy vacations, botox, etc. In a few short months I will be 35 years old. Interviewing for an entry level job feels like the opposite of success. It feels like I am way behind in life, like I am a fuck up, like there must be something wrong with me. It feels unfair that my trauma and mental health problems were criminalized, and therefore, “success” became unreachable.
Yesterday while walking my dog at our favorite park, I had an epiphany. What if I can create my own definition of success? What if attempting to fit into this sick society is at the root of my addictions? What if, after all I have been through, simply showing up for my life is success?
And then, this morning my daily Mantra Project email from Holly Whitaker said: “Zen priest Norman Fischer says that the point of our lives is nothing more than to develop compassion, connection, love, and friendliness. That’s IT. Those are the big things we’re here to do! To love more, to love one another, to be friendly to ourselves and each other, to lead with our hearts.”
This (not the pythagorean theorem or the periodic table) is what we should teach kids in grade school. This is how success should be measured. Success has nothing to do with my SAT score, what college I get into, the amount of wealth I accumulate, my job title, or the square footage of my home. Success has everything to do with the amount of love I have in my heart. It has everything to do with how I treat myself and others.
At this point on my journey, success looks like loving myself enough to remain teetotal while living in a society that is obsessed with alcohol. It looks like eating enough calories, getting enough rest, showing up for therapy and Tempest calls, taking good care of my precious pup, being outside in nature, regularly engaging in my creative practice, meditating, and stepping into a new job role with self-compassion. Success is not measured by my “criminal” background or by money. It is measured by how well I tend to my roots and to my soul.
As my entry-level job interview approaches and my negative self-talk rises, I will remind myself that I am already successful. I will quiet the shame spiral with self-love. The Universe has not dealt me the most ideal hand of cards, but it has given me the Queen of Hearts. It has given me the gift of love, which is all I need to be truly successful.
Progress.
“We are more likely to think the point is to be miserable and survive
than we think the point is to love and thrive.”
-Holly Whitaker
No comments:
Post a Comment