Wednesday, January 9, 2013

What If... ?

I've been wanting to write a post during a time when I'm feeling a bit anxious or upset about something. Well, that time is now and I would give anything to crawl back into bed for the rest of the day.

This week has been jam packed with a wide variety of emotions and it's only Wednesday. I feel like I'm stuck on a roller coaster ride that never ends and I'm quickly feeling my breakfast creep up to the back of my throat. My mood is irritable, distracted, unfriendly, and tired. There are so many reasons to be overjoyed right now, so why don't I always feel that way? My mom greeted me with, "What's wrong with you, Wrinkle?" last night when I got home; meaning I had such an awful look on my face it was causing a wrinkle between my eyes. 

For me, this is anxiety.


My brain is in overdrive; thinking of the things I need to get done for tomorrow, the next day, next month even. That stupid to-do list has multiplied by ten million this week and I don't feel like I can handle it sometimes. Rather than focusing on the things I grateful for today, I am constantly worried about the future. What if I fail? What if I don't finish something on time or do something to the best of my ability? What if I can't handle this?

What if?
What if?
What if?

Now this might seem like a crazy idea, but what if I somehow thought of these relentless voices in my head a little differently? What if I could tell myself that it's normal to feel this way? There are so many changes taking place in my life right now, what would happen if I cut myself a little slack for a change? What if I saw this as an opportunity to grow? Unfortunately, change is inevitable; I need to find a way to stop running from it. 

Most importantly, what if I could see this as another sign of progress? For the first time in years I am not attempting to numb out and avoid all of my emotions with an eating disorder. Right now, in this moment, I am sitting with an uncomfortable feeling and that too my friends, is...

Progress.

6 comments:

  1. What if you succeed?
    What if you blow them ALL out of the water??
    What if you dig deep and project your fantastic, lovely, amazing, beautiful, funny, talented, creative, self?! :D

    If "what if's" can lean towards the negative side, then they can surely fall towards the positive end of the spectrum too, right? ;)

    I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.
    You're endlessly beautiful and strong, and I'm so proud to have you in my life and to claim you as part of my family. <3

    With endless love,
    from your silly cousin. :D
    xoxoxoxoxo

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    1. Shannon Grace!!!! You are amazing! It's made my day and made me shed a tear or two. We reallyyyy need together together ASAP! I love you! <3

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  2. You write so wonderfully girl! I can completely relate, especially to that photo haha. I am always taking things further than they need to be taken and I tend to over analyze and exaggerate everything but this is just a trick the mind plays with us. It's so great that you aren't using the ED to get you through any of these hard times! Uncomfortable feelings always mean progress even if we don't think they are!! <3

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    1. Thanks so much! You already know what a huge fan I am of your blog, so this really means a lot to me. You are amazing and I feel ,icky to have you in my life!

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  3. Great image of Anxiety Girl. Sums things up pretty good. And I agree with Tayla Anne above that you are a great writer. You capture complexities in a few words...rather like Haiku. aunt Judy

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    1. Thanks Aunt Judy! I love Anxiety Girl too, it sums up the way I think pretty well. :) Love you! It was great talking to you this morning! <3

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