Monday, May 13, 2013

One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today my life began. 

At the time, however, I didn't exactly see it as a new beginning. One year ago today my parents drove me to an intensive inpatient eating disorder treatment facility in Grand Rapids, which is where I spent the following four weeks (before my 6 month stay at another facility in Toledo). 

That first day is somewhat of a blur in my memory. As I hugged and kissed my parents goodbye the reality of my situation finally hit me. Yes, I knew I was sick, but I did not think I was that bad. Through the admission process I quickly learned that the number of personal items I was allowed to keep with me would be severely limited. During those four weeks I went without internet, a cell phone, bobby pins, make up, coffee, my sock monkeys, and any form of privacy. The only form of contact we had with the outside world was a 10 minute phone call each day in the common area. Our time outside was also limited and we were not allowed outside of a caged-in area.

Because this was an intensive facility that also dealt with other mental health patients, we were placed on twenty-four hour watch. Every fifteen minutes someone with a clip board was spotted walking around checking us off on their list if all appeared to be going well - even while we slept. If we wanted to shave, we had to have one of the workers stand outside the shower and watch us to be sure we did not self harm with the razor. Worst of all, we were not allowed to use the rest room until two hours after we finished a meal and even then we had to have someone flush for us to make sure we weren't purging.


Talk about humiliation. It felt like I as in a madhouse. I was stripped of everything that made me feel like myself. I felt like an animal. I was completely exposed without an escape. Never in my life have I been so afraid.


My first meal was an open-faced turkey sandwich with lettuce, a slice of tomato, and no condiments. On the side there was a pile of mushy, greenish-brown green beans that smelled awful. New patients start out with a small amount of food and gradually work their way up to higher calorie meals. It may not seem like much food to an outsider, but between the chaos of that first day, being stripped of my identity, strange people constantly staring at me, and then being forced to eat, I completely lost it. As I took my first bite with tear soaked cheeks and trembling hands, I knew this was just the beginning of many difficult meals to come.

Thankfully my second meal of the day was consumed with the rest of the eating disorder patients. Even though it was still beyond overwhelming to eat for a second time that day, being surrounded by others in the same horrific situation eased my pain a little bit.

Without the other patients I would not have survived those four weeks. One of the first girls I met coincidentally lives in the next town over and we have remained really good friends ever since. She was admitted just a few days before me, so she is also currently experiencing her one year anniversary. I know the one year anniversary might just seem like another day, but it's actually a pretty overwhelming time. All day long today and for the next four weeks, I will be reminded of the traumatic things that took place one year ago. 

Kenzie and me happily celebrating our big anniversary :)
Yesterday my friend, Kenzie, and I had a lunch date to celebrate our big one year anniversary. As we talked over foods that we would have never dreamed of eating a year ago, I realized something for the first time - without going through those terrifying first four weeks, I would have never been given the opportunity to begin my life again. Sometimes those moments of weakness are actually the beginning of something magical.

Today and the next few weeks will be filled with a wide range of emotions, but I am lucky to have my dear friend Kenzie to share this time with. We are both living proof that one year can change everything and that life really can begin again.

Progress.

16 comments:

  1. Isn't it Amazing the things a person can accomplish in only a year?! I'm so proud of you :)
    Happy One Year, Kelsi!

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    1. It really is AMAZING! Thanks so much for all of your continued support throughout this year, Kelli! <3

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  2. It is so weird to hit those 'anniversary' moments in recovery. like my inpatient time almost two years ago. it is sometimes hard to look back but then amazing to see how far I have come. You should be so proud of all your accomplishments and the pure fact of acknowledging that no road is straight in recovery. it is all due to all the hard work you put in. which you do!

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    1. It is a weird feeling, I agree. Congrats on almost 2 years! That must feel amazing. No road is straight to recovery, you are right, and I think once I accepted that things seemed a little easier. :)

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  3. Happy Anniversary! Wow... It sounds like a jail... and you have gone through that. So much courage inside you. And, I know that your friend helped you to stand strong. We do together. I love the photo of two of you. Really lovely. xoxo~

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    1. Hahaha yes, I guess jail-like is one way to describe it ;) We are always in it together! xoxo <3

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  4. You are such a strong person kelsi... im so glad you got to celebrate your one-year anniversary with someone who would acknowledge that day with the importance it deserves :)
    Congratulations my lovely, im proud of you!
    x

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    1. Thank you so much, Clemmy. Your kind words always mean so much to me <3

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  5. I want to thank you, Kelsi. For sharing your story and with that give us hope. A couple of months back I was close to giving up on everything, but then I came across your blog. Your words are so filled with love and life. What you share makes me think " I want to continue to fight. Continue to work hard."

    So, thank you. And be proud of yourself. You are a great warrior.

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    1. Wow, thank you so much! You can absolutely continue to fight and work hard. I know sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but you will get there. Best of luck to you!! <3

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  6. Now who has the tear soaked cheeks...
    I am so proud of all the things you have overcome in the last year. This is an emotional, hard day and you have come out on the other side- just like you did one year ago.
    I love ya so much girly, I'm so glad to have gotten to see you and celebrate with you yesterday!
    Keep on progressing because you're doing amazing!
    Love you! <3 xoxo

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    1. I was pretty good about keeping my emotions under control today... until now haha. Not shocking :) So glad we are doing this together. Love you, sista! ;)

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  7. I just stumbled upon this blog today and I've been reading through your past posts for the past hour. You are so inspiring and I really appreciate at how candid you are with your blog! I don't have anorexia, but I do have some form of undiagnosed eating disorder--likely binge eating disorder or EDNOS. I may not be able to relate 100% with your blog, but I do believe that a lot of the strategies you share through your blog are useful for people with all types of eating disorders. Thank you! xoxo

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    1. I also believe that a lot of the underlying issues involved with all types of eating disorders are similar, so it makes sense why you are able to relate to it. Thanks for the comment! Best of luck to you! :) xo

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  8. After reading this now i feel like recovery is possible.

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    1. It absolutely is, Jennifer. Everyone's journey is different, but once you find what works for you cling onto it and don't let go! <3

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