This past week has been one of the most difficult and stressful weeks I have had since I have been home from treatment. It was back to school week. My emotions were all over the place. On Tuesday I couldn't leave campus fast enough and ended up in a fit of anxiety and tears when I finally did begin driving home. Due to the new schedule, my eating was all over the place. Most of the week I felt hungrier than usual, due to stress or the extra walking around campus or both, and as much as I hate to admit it, that hungry feeling provided me with a sick sense of satisfaction.
Being back on the same campus where many of my eating disordered behaviors began and after three semesters failed out of, is a little triggering to say the least. I am forced to face many of my past insecurities head-on each time I go to class. It's difficult to say whether or not I will ever be 100% comfortable on that campus, but I am willing to give it time and hope for the best.
I survived my first week and thought a celebration was needed.
Without going into too much detail, out of shame, let's just say I used a poor coping mechanism to 'celebrate.' I slipped up and I'm not proud of it.
Luckily, I have really great friends to fall back on in situations like these. My "little sister," as I like to call her, reminded me last night that mistakes and slips are inevitable. Recovery is never, ever perfect. I got off track with my eating a little bit yesterday, but as my little sis said, all I can do today is get right back to it. "Just know what you are doing this for. Your future, career, your LIFE," were the exact words that pulled me out of my funk yesterday.
When these slip-ups happen, I have two choices: I can let it keep me down, throw a pity party, and continue to stay off track OR I can learn from it, pick myself up, and allow it to make me better. I think the latter is a much better option.
As I am continuing down this road to recovery, I have learned the slip-up itself isn't nearly as important as how it is dealt with the following day.
I'm human.
I am imperfect.
We all make mistakes.
Today is a brand new opportunity to make the right choices in my recovery. Oddly, I actually feel great this morning. I know from here on out, every time I face my fears at school, it will get a little easier and that is what this blog and recovery are all about.
Progress.
Kelsi,
ReplyDeleteI find a lot of progress in what you share with us. Your awareness of your emotional reactions to being back at the Uni. Your honesty. No longer are you protecting the eating disorder by engaging in behavior in silence. Nope. You dare to be vulnerable and reach out. This tells a story of a healthy self increasing in strength. Of a desire to live in freedom that only continues to grow.
We are human. Always have been. Always will be. Recovery is not about perfection. It is about growth. Progress. About being open to change. From your words it is so clear that your heart is in the right place, Kelsi. You want this!
Continue to learn by living life. When you stumble, be gentle and patient. Do the next best thing. If you restrict at one meal or snack, take a moment or two to connect with your inner warrior and voice of life. (You know, the kind and supportive voice who tells you it is okay to eat and encourage you to be good to yourself ^^ ). Let this voice guide you and, of course, never hesitate to ask for help.
You are working harder than most people are able to comprehend. School, recovery, life. It all requires a lot of time and energy. Be good to yourself and rest your body and mind this weekend.
Again, I read this post as one of great progress. If you need someone to remind you that it is okay to eat, that you are enough, that it is okay to feel scared and insecure. . . No matter what, I am here.
~ Hedda.
I'm not even really sure how to respond to this, Hedda. What a lovely comment - THANK YOU!! You are such a wonderful young woman and I am blessed to have you with me on this journey. I do want this, you are right about that. And it is a lot of hard work, but that doesn't mean it isn't possible.
DeleteI will reread this comment all day today (and in the future) as a reminder to keep pushing along. So glad we are in this together. <3
I whole-heartedly agree with Hedda above - so many wise words of wisdom. My therapist keeps reminding me that recovery is not a straight line up, the key is to ensure the overall trend is going in the right direction - there is no doubt in my mind that you are on that path. And I feel so lucky to be inspired by you each time you post.
ReplyDeleteI am starting a practicum for my school next week AND my therapist is away for most of the month. It's scary. Your story reminds me that there is always hope and always another day to get at it again.
Best of luck starting school next week! No matter what happens, just remember that it IS good enough and you can't really fail. Bad days might happen, but pushing yourself this week is a huge sign of growth and of course, progress! :)
DeleteNo one attends pity parties except you, and no one who actually cares will hold a slip up against you. You always make the time for those you care about when they need you, stick with people who treat you with the same respect and you'll be set.
ReplyDeleteI am learning to stick with those who treat me with respect more and more. No one else really matters.
DeleteSelf-love will be the greatest thing to help you get through the year. Relying on others will be nearly as important. Be true to YOU -- your recovery and your newly established values and not what that disordered voice whispers in your ear. Believe in yourself, my dear. You can choose to be your own worst enemy or your own best friend. Please choose the latter. You're too beautiful a soul to punish yourself like you have. Forgive yourself and move on. Keep that heart beating with pride and joy. Sending a hug. xo
ReplyDelete"Forgive yourself and move on. Keep that heart beating with pride and joy." What a perfect goal for the day after a slip-up. Love you, Chels! <3
Deleteim so proud of you hun, you are DOING this thing... you are out there living your life and taking the steps towards making your future and happy and HEALTHY one :)
ReplyDeletebig hugs xx
Thanks, love! I hope you are doing well! I miss hearing from you. xx
DeleteMuch love to you! Your transparency, honesty, and perspective are helping you and others! Forgive yourself and take steps towards moving on. It's easy to get stuck when any kind of slip-up happens, but we have the opportunity to brush ourselves off, stand up, stand firm, and press on!
ReplyDeleteThe comments you've received here are so wise and encouraging! The bible verses on which I based the name of my blog are some of my favorites of all time, and we also happen to be focusing on them for several weeks in our church, too. They help me remember what's important in my life: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..."
My hope is in my Lord, who lifted me out of the pit I was in and set me on solid ground. My "race" is not easy a lot of the time, but I know it is worth running and that endless joy awaits those who finish well! --Alison
Thank you, Alison! That bible verse is perfect. I am so glad you shared it with me. Good things are ahead and I am ready to move on from this day/week. Not all has been lost. Sometimes we have to go through these tough situations in order to keep pushing forward.
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