I've had several requests over the past couple of weeks to write about the effects dieting parents can have on their children. This is an interesting topic for me. While I don't think I have much experience with this, maybe I have more than I give myself credit for.
Let's rewind about ten or eleven years; it was the summer before my freshman year in high school (wow, I'm old). At the time I was playing travel softball and on the way home from one of my weekend tournaments, my mom and I stopped for a fast food dinner. We ordered a typical burger and fries, like usual, and continued on our way home. All I remember about the drive home was how upset my mom was with herself for being so full. "I can't believe I just ate that. I'm so fat. I know better," were her exact words as she looked down at her full stomach in disgust.
My mom is a tiny woman. She is about 3 or 4 inches shorter than me and at the time, I probably weighed a little more than she did. For the longest time I really struggled with this. Daughters are not supposed to be heavier than their mother, or at least that's what I forced myself to believe. So in my disordered mind, if she thought she was fat after eating fast food, then I must have been really fat.
After moving to a new school my freshman year, I began to feel out of place and insecure. At the same time, unfortunately, I also developed an interest in the diets my mom was trying week after week. The South Beach Diet to be specific, really stood out to me because my mom had the most success with it. Not long after I found out about her diets, I began trying them and after a week of starving myself would end up binging, which of course lead to the yo-yo dieting weight gain cycle. I was 14 years old.
In no way am I blaming my mom for my eating disorder. Regardless of her dieting, I think I would have struggled my way through high school, but dieting just so happened to be the coping mechanism I was introduced to during that crucial time. After seeing how upset my mom was with herself for eating fast food, I quickly began to believe in order for me to be accepted by her, my weight needed to be minimal.
Now that I am living back at home and am at a healthy weight, I still despise the idea of being heavier than my mom. Logically, I know being a few inches taller than her will naturally make me weigh more, but that small eating disorder voice sometimes gets in the way.
As far as I can see, my mom has been diet-free for several years now, but that is not always the case for those of us in recovery. Many patients return home to friends and family members constantly trying to drop a few pounds. It's nearly impossible to completely escape it.
So what is the best way to deal with diet talk among parents while trying to recover?
The most important thing for me has been to always remember my dietary needs are different for the time being. My body is in repair and I worked way too hard to gain the weight to fall back into old restrictive habits. Just like everyone has different needs in recovery, even healthy people have different dietary needs. Slowly, I have begun to find a balance between those "healthy" and "unhealthy" foods, but I really had to separate myself from my parent's eating for a good six to eight months.
My mom and I can now share some clothes, and while that does bother me, it also gives me hope for my 50 year-old-body in the future. Maybe the whole fast food incident from years ago is simply proof that healthy people also struggle with body image from time to time. In no way was my mom implying that I was fat and for the first time I am in a healthy enough mindset to realize that.
Progress.
There is so much more that can be discussed on this topic, so please feel free to share your experiences and if you have learned ways to deal with dieting parents in a healthy way.
As far as I can see, my mom has been diet-free for several years now, but that is not always the case for those of us in recovery. Many patients return home to friends and family members constantly trying to drop a few pounds. It's nearly impossible to completely escape it.
So what is the best way to deal with diet talk among parents while trying to recover?
The most important thing for me has been to always remember my dietary needs are different for the time being. My body is in repair and I worked way too hard to gain the weight to fall back into old restrictive habits. Just like everyone has different needs in recovery, even healthy people have different dietary needs. Slowly, I have begun to find a balance between those "healthy" and "unhealthy" foods, but I really had to separate myself from my parent's eating for a good six to eight months.
My mom and I can now share some clothes, and while that does bother me, it also gives me hope for my 50 year-old-body in the future. Maybe the whole fast food incident from years ago is simply proof that healthy people also struggle with body image from time to time. In no way was my mom implying that I was fat and for the first time I am in a healthy enough mindset to realize that.
Progress.
There is so much more that can be discussed on this topic, so please feel free to share your experiences and if you have learned ways to deal with dieting parents in a healthy way.
Oh KC - you are so wise! I am so proud of you! This was interesting to me since I have 2 little girls and try to teach the "healthy" rather than what the rest say! Keep on keeping on! You are awesome!
ReplyDeleteHmm.. I can only think of one person with two little girls who still calls me KC, Mrs. Nagel. ;) Thanks for your never ending support and encouragement! I have no doubt your daughters will grow up to be happy and healthy young women.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting post, Kelsi.
ReplyDeleteI always appreciate your words and could relate to a lot of the experiences and challenges you describe here. This is not about blaming anyone, it's about healthy awareness of how every single one of us is influenced by our surroundings. This awareness is a key to not only move forward, but also to sustain recovery.
Thank you, your voice is important. <3
~ Hedda.
. . . as for advice :-) Definitely to hold on tight to the "My body, my needs" - mantra.
DeleteIf I am to recover and live in freedom, I need to honor my needs. There is no other way.
<3
Hedda, thank you for this comment. I feel badly that some people might feel they are to blame after reading this, but like you said, it's never about that. We live in a society that pushes diets. Like I said above, regardless of the diets around me, I would have found an unhealthy way to cope with my inner demons. Thanks again for understanding. <3
DeleteI don't have much experience about this with my biological parents, but for me, it was more like my American parents. When I lived with them, they were constantly on diet, whether they were successfully doing it or not. They told me so much about many different kind of diet and my American mother constantly talked to me about her weight, exercise routines and eating. She often said at a restaurant, "Let's see what Kyoko is going to pick, and that's what I am going to order too, because she always picks a dish that has the lease calories. There were much more. When I weighed 103 lbs for 5'5" and showed up to visit her, she told me to gain weight but not too much... ???? I was so confused that time. They are not suffering from ED, but it totally affected on me. I dearly love them as they love me unconditionally. But, for this reason, it is hard for me to visit them now. I am learning how to deal with them though because someday, I would like to be with them comfortably. At this moment, I just have to tell myself, "I have the disease. They don't. They can be on diet, but I can't. I need to do what works for me." <3
ReplyDeleteIt is always hard. There are pressures and dietary expectations from everyone, not just our parents. Just do what is right for you and don't look back! :)
DeleteI know that my parents' relationships with food have not only played a large part in my ED, but also in my recovery. It's hard to eat a dinner that has twice the caloric value as that which your father is eating, or to hear him constantly talking about how awesome protein is or how dreadful salt and sugar are in the diet. Or to hear your Mom constantly putting down her body and herself. I know I need to be more assertive with them, but it isn't anywhere close to as triggering as it once was because I see how amazing recovery and eating what I want when I want truly can be.
ReplyDeleteWhat I think hits us hardest is the fact that we have always looked up to them, have sought their advice and encouragement and compliments. We want them to be proud of us. We want to think the most of them. But we're adults now, and we make our own decisions. And if that means rebelling and creating our own virtues and ideals with regards to food, so be it.
We need to do what's best for us. We need to protect ourselves at all costs, even if it is from the influence of the people who love us most and have loved us for the longest. Being triggering doesn't make them bad people, or not worthy of love. It simply means that we need to be the autocratic over our own decisions and let them live their choices freely too.
And it's always great to remember that they just want us to be happy and healthy. No more and no less. :)
I'm glad you pointed out that it does get less triggering as time goes on because it absolutely does. I can have semi-normal conversations about healthy foods without freaking out now. It is hard to feel like we have somehow let them down, but I'm learning as long as we are doing our best then no one can ask anything more. <3
DeleteMy mum is one of my best friends in the entire world, and I love her more than almost anyone...but I can't deny that she had an impact on the way I learned to view food/diet/self worth through looks. She would always encourage us to eat healthily but not be afraid to enjoy a crazy meal once in a while. She encouraged us to follow our dreams and told us we were beautiful inside and out and gave us so many examples for why this was true it would be crazy to argue against her. But she constantly called herself fat (she wasn't/isn't). She never said that she was beautiful. She was continuously trying out different diets. And any time she exercised, it was to lose weight. So despite all of the wonderful and positive things she put in our life, she didn't necessary live it in hers...and that's what I picked up on. Exercise=punishment for eating something bad/necessary to lose weight. Diets= good/make you beautiful/worthy. She was horrified when this came out in our family group sessions and still takes the blame for part of my ED (nothing I say can make any difference on that one).
ReplyDeleteI've come a long way since those days. I'm not done by any stretch of the imagination and truly believe that recovery is a lifelong process. But I know I'm not the girl I was when I struggled with my ED. And, though my mum tries so damn hard to stay positive around me since she never wants to say something that would trigger something in me, I can still see that she isn't as comfortable with herself as I wish she was. She's one of the most beautiful people I know inside and out...and she just doesn't see that. If I've learned anything from this besides learning to love and accept who I am, it's that I want to make sure I set a healthy example for my own kids some day. i want them to see me living what I tell them so that they really believe it. In the end, I know that might not be enough, and there's a chance I'll still have to watch them go through something similar, but I also know there's a good chance they won't if they see us living our words.
Thank you for writing this, love. I read it this morning and couldn't stop thinking about it all day. You have quite a way with words and sharing your experiences. Keep fighting, love. You've been reaching some amazing stars recently <3
Thanks for sharing your story and insight on this topic, Caitlin. Subconsciously we do influence those around us more than we will ever be able to comprehend. Again, there is no one to blame here, this is one of several factors contributing to the ED. Isn't it heartbreaking that the most beautiful people usually can't see their own beauty? The standard for beauty is set so ridiculously high in our society that it becomes difficult to measure up. Best of luck to you in your recovery. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and will continue to do great things! <3 xx
DeleteI received unconditional love from my parents--and still do. That being said, I can remember being frustrated by my softer, "thicker" teenaged body and knowing my mom weighed ten or fifteen pounds less than me. I felt like I must be doing something wrong, and I was upset that it seemed so effortless for her. An older cousin unknowingly had the same effect on me.
ReplyDeleteMy mom developed unusually high cholesterol in her 40's; it is a genetic issue and her dad died of a heart attack in his early 70's. My dad's mom was morbidly obese for most of her adult life. My parents tried to combat both of those challenges by staying active and eating wisely. Low-fat, low-cholesterol choices became part of my teen vocabulary.
I think my calorie restricting and weight obsessing ways were already ready to start, but by college it had turned into a strange competition I waged in my head versus my parents. I had to eat less, and eat better, than they did, to "win".
Fast forward to today, I'm in my 30's, my parents are in their 60's. They are still trying to eat healthy and be active. They are doing well! Metabolism and aging have left me about 30 pounds lighter than my mom now...I'm in a healthier place in my mind now, so our nutrition is something we can work on together and be encouraging.
Family members influence us in ways we don't always realize. As much as I love my parents, there has always been a very prideful, selfish desire to be right about everything. Really mature, huh? That sometimes made me more obsessive about food and weight when I was in the thick of it in my teens and early 20's. I'm glad they are loving and forgiving!!
Thought-provoking piece--thank you for writing it! Blessings--Alison
I know I have said this before, but I really do think your issues with eating and my early eating disorder days are very similar. I also have wonderful parents and unconditional love. We are very lucky. Their behaviors around food were not intended to trigger anything for us at all, but things happened to work out that way. I totally understand the whole need to be right thing, even if that is immature of me haha. This is kind of a sticky subject for you as a mom, I'm sure. So thank you for your words and support, as always! <3
DeleteComforting thread. I'm glad your readers are forgiving of their parents. We elders also have our demons, as will many of your generation's children unfortunately. We need to be compassionate and supportive of each other, including between generations. "Teach your parents well...." Crosby Stills Nash & Young
ReplyDeleteYes, the parent/child relationship is an important and tricky one. We all do things without realizing it and no one is to blame. It's a life long learning process.
DeleteThis post is VERY relevant to me and something that I still consider more frequently than I should. When I was in 8th grade, my mom made me go on Weight Watchers with her and made me lie about my age (I guess you had to be 15 to do it unless you had a doctors note... and I technically wasn't overweight). I too ended up in the restricting and bingeing cycle, and even in week 1 of the program used my first eating disorder symptoms, because I was afraid of disappointing my mom if I stepped on the scale and the number had gone up. I remember sitting at the kitchen table packing lunches with my mom and she would tell me that the foods my sister ate were bad and were making her fat... specifically remember that over a bagel and cream cheese, still one of the hardest things for me to feel okay about eating. But even through all of this, I don't blame my mom for my eating disorder. She had her disordered eating thoughts, I have no doubt about that, but ultimately an eating disorder isn't about a diet, like you said. I too would have struggled regardless with all of the issues I was facing in my life, "but dieting just so happened to be the coping mechanism I was introduced to during that crucial time."
ReplyDeleteWith my mom, it wasn't just about dieting though. When I was young, she had liposuction, and when I was in 6th grade, she got breast implants. I think what is so hard about it is knowing that she was never truly happy with her body, and now that I'm in a better place, it breaks my heart to know how awful she had felt about herself.
My mom is my best friend, and treatment and therapy have made our relationship SO much stronger. But it was tough. When I went home for my first "home trial" a couple months after I started treatment we sat down to dinner and she had made herself one of those NutriSystem meals. I honestly wanted to scream at her and drive back to Ohio. But now, it is better. I know she still diets, but she doesn't talk to me about it. She hides the scale when I come home (STILL). But anytime the issue of food and weight and dieting do come up (which... lets face it, regardless of who you're with or where you are, it will always be there), I know now that it is just not the right choice for me.
Very interesting, Carly. I'm sure your mom didn't mean to give her bad habits to you, but maybe she did want to save you from the suffering that she felt and caused her disordered eating? It didn't really work that way, huh? I'm sorry you went through that. In a way it's kind of comforting to know our parents aren't perfect either. They make mistakes and struggle with body image, too. So why do we think we need to be so perfect? I'm happy the relationship with your mom has improved. It's always nice to hear parts of your story.
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ReplyDelete