Learning to Act Against Impulsiveness

 This past week has been a pretty exhausting test of my decision making skills. Long story short, I applied to a school about 2 hours away from home, wasn't really expecting to get in, got my acceptance letter last week, and then had to choose between what I want in this moment and what is right for my future.

 A major component of my eating disorder was impulsiveness and I still struggle with the need for a short term fix at times. Last night I did some reading on the relationship between impulsive behaviors and eating disorders. Not surprisingly, I found the two are strongly related (for the entire article click here).

"Impulsive behavior seems to be particularly characteristic of individuals with bulimia nervosa or the binge-purge type of anorexia nervosa. That is, these individuals may look for excitement, fail to think about the negative consequences, and engage in behaviors that are potentially self-damaging.

These impulsive tendencies may lead to a variety of potentially harmful behaviors including excessive alcohol or drug use, rage outbursts, violence, self-destructive behaviors, sexual promiscuity, shoplifting, or other forms of social irresponsibility. When an eating disordered individual displays these behaviors, it may significantly complicate their life, and if they are receiving treatment, it may pose further difficulties for their recovery."

As a binge-purge type anorexic who struggled with alcohol abuse, this (unfortunately) describes me perfectly. I was willing to do whatever it took to ease my anxieties and pain in the moment regardless of the long term consequences. Honestly, I don't think I even believed I had much of a future, like I was a lost-cause, so I might as well continue act upon those destructive, impulsive tendencies.  Impulsiveness kept me sick. 

As I continued reading, I also found that in some European countries they diagnose certain eating disorder patients with "multi-impulsive bulimia" (or MIB). MIB is diagnosed if an eating disorder patient shows three or more of the following behaviors: extreme alcohol abuse or dependence, other drug use or dependence, stealing or shoplifting, self-mutilation, or suicidal gestures. These symptoms are very similar to those shown in eating disorder patients who also suffer from borderline personality disorder. Worst of all, those of us who struggle with MIB behaviors, are the most resistant to typical eating disorder treatment.

"In one study of 112 bulimic patients, 20 fully met criteria for MIB. Twenty years after they were diagnosed, only 3 of these patients were recovered or doing well and nearly half of them had significant alcohol or drug abuse problems—25 percent had died."

Twenty-five percent. Those numbers are staggering, stunning, shocking; I can't put into words how devastating those numbers are. Clearly eating disorder patients who also show impulsive tendencies need to be taken seriously. My impulsive behaviors only led to significant self-loathing, legal troubles, and even had life-threatening consequences.

 Yesterday, at the last second, two weeks before the fall semester begins, I made the decision to stay at the school I have been attending since January despite a very strong urge to move away from home. Over the past several weeks, the main complaint I have had in recovery is feeling stuck in my current life circumstances. My irrational thoughts told me living on my own would somehow prove to my parents that I was "good enough."

Sure, moving away would have been exciting and a temporary fix to this stuck-ness I have been feeling; however, that excitement would eventually wear off. The root of my problem would have been ignored for the time being, only to be magnified in the future. Most importantly, at this time in my life I cannot afford to move out and go to school without my student loan debt going through the roof. Why would I give myself more money troubles if I can avoid it?

I can't help but think that I am completely going against the 'live in the moment' mentality I have been trying to apply to my life over the past year. At the same time, however, that doesn't necessarily have to be true. As a wise friend of mine said, "It won't be easy, you'll have to search for more opportunity, but it's there. You have to remember how lucky you are to be alive, to be healthy, and to be safe." Impulsiveness never gave me a chance to feel any of those things.

This decision might not bring immediate rewards, but in the grand scheme of things, and in my heart, I know someday down the road I will be incredibly thankful that I chose to act against my impulsiveness today.

Progress.