I have a question. Why do I often find myself acting a certain way even if I know I shouldn't be? There are some situations in life where all of my logic goes out the window and I am left making crazy, compulsive decisions.
Last night, for example, I decided to skip my night snack because I was upset with a current life situation. In that moment, for some reason, cutting back on calories felt like the only way to rebel against those surfacing unpleasant emotions. Logically, however, I know better. I know that restricting calories is never the answer.
It would also be a big, fat lie to say this is the first time I have gone against my logical brain. Almost every time I see my therapist we have a conversation about this.
Do I logically know restricting calories is bad? Yes.
Do I always get 100% of my calories in? No.
Do I logically know that I am a worthy individual? Yes.
Do I always believe it? No.
Do I logically know that being at a healthy weight does not make me fat? Yes.
Do I always feel good about my body? Hell no.
Do I logically know procrastinating on a school assignment will add unnecessary stress? Yes.
Do I ever do school work ahead of time? No.
Do I logically know that drinking is something I should avoid altogether? Yes.
Do I live a life free from alcohol cravings? Not even close.
According to Albert Einstein, one of the most logical men of all time, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." So does this technically make me insane? If I know certain behaviors are more beneficial than others, WHY do I continue to fight against logic?
Here's what I do know for sure - Restricting calories absolutely is a (poor) coping mechanism that has given me a sick way to deal with things in the past; however, it got me nowhere. In the moment it seemed like a good idea to go against all of my hard work but this morning I am beating myself up like no other. I don't usually have slips like this. My brain keeps telling me I should know better than that. What is wrong with you, Kelsi?
Logically I know recovery is all about learning to deal with situations in a healthier manner, but sometimes in the heat of the moment, I choose to react in an unhealthy way. Over the years I have become an expert at finding a temporary escape from difficult times, only to cause more damage in the long run. This way of thinking has been ingrained in my head, making me wonder if it is possible to erase this go-to coping mechanism of mine.
I'm struggling with this concept right now. Thankfully, I have a choice to make: I can listen to my logical brain and see that simply acknowledging this is an issue for me is a step in the right direction or I can continue to wallow in self-critical thoughts. It might not always be easy for me to be logical, but that doesn't mean I can't continue to move forward.
Progress.
So well put. I think we know there is a logical brain and thought process but that is hard to think about when you are caught up in the moment, or caught up in the fear, or the worst caught up in ED's voice. Loved this!
ReplyDeleteYes, exactly Alex. Not always an easy thing to deal with.
DeleteWhoa, whoa, wait. Beating yourself up about what? Not being perfect in your recovery? News flash Beautiful Kelsi -- Not gonna happen!! So stop beating yourself up!! Negative thoughts reinforce negative behaviours.
ReplyDeleteSure -- you probably could have made a stronger decision. Coulda, woulda, shoulda!! Your blog title marks it perfectly -- progression NOT perfection. This time you skipped the snack. Okay. Leave it in the past. Next time, march yourself to the fridge. Just do it. Have something -- anything! Fight!! Don't just roll over -- but fight!! You might be eating that snack through tears. But the tears will be helpful in getting the negative emotions out.
That snack is what will help you most in the situation. It will keep you level-headed, it will help you be logical and keep fighting. It might have to be mechanical, it might have to be safe food. And that's OKAY!! Journal it out if you're not feeling great. Not every snack is going to be a high energy victory, especially when our brains are acting funky. But you CAN do this. It all starts with stopping that self-critic and keeping that progress moving forward, like you said.
Restricting will never save your day. Eating saves your day every day. Keep your chin up.
Ohhh Chels, you're like my little cheerleader haha. I really needed to read these exact words this morning. Sometimes I need a newsflash to get my butt in gear. It is most difficult to have healthy thoughts when are brains are being funky, as you said. I am definitely hard on myself when my brain gets like that - like I should know better. Hmm something to think about and work on for sure.
DeleteThanks so much for this! <3
Chelsie, your words? On their way to my "Book of Encouragement". Thank you <3
DeleteAnd Kelsi, you are amazing. You are worthy. You are enough. No matter where you are in recovery or how you behave. Enough. New day, new opportunities. Remind yourself of your reasons for recovery, reach out and connect with your own voice of life, freedom and courage.
Thinking of you. We are doing this together.
I know, Hedda, aren't Chelsie's words perfect?! Thanks so much for you encouragement. I have an exciting weekend planned. Looking forward to all of the freedom involved. :)
DeleteHey lovely, long time no hear! i hope you are doing well :) Im sure you will be pleased to hear i have been keeping myself very busy, doing fun NORMAL things instead of hiding away for fear of not being able to exercise and having to deal with eating situations. well not anymore! i am firmly putting that logical brain in the forefront - sure nobody is perfect and im still struggling, especially when i stop for a minute and my ED whooshes back in! but im seeing things more clearly now. what i want from my life and how i need to go about getting it :)
ReplyDeleteProgress is a journey and im glad to be on this one with such a wonderful supportive community!
xx
Clem, HI!! I got so excited when I saw I had a comment from you. Glad to hear you've been busy and using your logical brain! That makes my entire day - how exciting. :) I will be out of town this weekend, but we NEED to catch up when I get back. Your trip to Australia must be coming up soon, right?
Deletecoming up, but thankfully not QUITE yet!! i have sooo much to prepare (not to mention pack!) im not leaving till the end of sept - so i still have a good month and a half :)
Deletemessage me next week and we'll have a "wish you lived round the corner" catch up! x
Sounds wonderful. I'm looking forward to catching up! xx
DeleteI just read this and ate a ham sammich. Om nom nom. Sammiches are good.
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness, text me next time this happens so I can help, even if I am mired in my own poor decisions and bachelorettes. K?
Okay, deal. We can eat sammiches together next time!
DeleteIt's that instant reward to change your mood isn't it? Not sure why your reward system is a self-deprivation but on the other hand, it's no less logical than mine have been.
ReplyDeleteI noticed that in feeling insecure last week, instead of tolerating the mood, I drank a couple of beers for several nights in a row. As soon as I felt better I didn't need any beer.
If I allowed that to carry on, I'd be an alcoholic. But the difference is I realised in time to prevent a slide. Isn't that what you're doing?
Same difference?
Yeah, I think that is basically the same thing. I think the underlying issues of addictions and eating disorders are the same. Without dealing with those uncomfortable emotions it's impossible to make healthy decisions. Make sense?
DeleteOur minds are amazing, and I agree on what a minute to minute battle we can face, trying to make the right choices.
ReplyDeleteMy evening snack, which is almost always sea salt caramel gelato, is one way I let myself and my husband know that things are ok in my mind. It is one of the few food items I truly get to savor and enjoy.
There are some nights when I think about skipping it when that darn scale (yes, it's still there and getting used, an example of going against logic!) doesn't say the "right" thing. Just when I think I'm totally fine and free of ed thoughts, I'll have a whisper in my mind that tries to make me feel better or worse based on a number. It is totally illogical. Whether my weight is x, y, or z, doesn't determine the outcome of my day! This is a point where I really do struggle to be logical and free of negative thinking.
But, I have not yet denied myself my yummy snack! Triumph! I enjoy it too much and I know that I don't ever need to punish myself by restricting snacks or any other foods, for that matter.
Keep going forward. I think each of us has these inner battles between logic and its opposite. Just remember the ultimate goals of health, strength, and freedom.
I think much more clearly when I've nourished my physical body and also fed my heart with prayer and reading the bible. When I "arm" myself well, I can make sound choices more easily.
Thank you for your honesty. Sometimes acknowledging our challenges is helpful in itself! Blessings this weekend! --Alison
It is weird how as soon as we think we have things under control and are free from those ED thoughts they come back to haunt us. It almost feels like we constantly have to keep ourselves in check and while that's annoying, it's also totally worth it. Living with the frustrations of recovery is a million times better than living with the disorder. Sometimes we just need a little reminder.
DeleteI really need to try that gelato! Sounds delish. :)
Slips are apart of recovery, I think the important thing is that you realize it was a mistake and you are learning from it. Not using it as an excuse to fall back into your eating disorder. I'm so proud of you Kelsi. (Miss you too and love the blog :)
ReplyDeleteAw, thanks so much Hilary! It's always great to hear from you. I hope you're doing well - Miss you! <3
DeleteI believe that my mind is broken. Somehow, my disease talk starts to make sense to me, because my disease manipulates my mind. Simple concepts become very complex. Sometimes, even when I know that it is not logical, I just do it anyway... It is fear for me. Fear to go beyond that. I have been also told that we are habitual creatures. It does not matter if situations make us happy. We want to stay there because we know what to do in the situation. Being familiar. Predictable. Also, feelings tend to take over logic to addicts... Yes, I am sort of suffering today. I can't erase my disease voice saying that I don't have to eat because I have enough weight now. So struggling and chaotic inside. I hope you are well today.... xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you're struggling today, but at least you are noticing it. Our minds seem to work the exact same way, Kyoko. Over thinking, perfectionism, and self critical thoughts get us into trouble. Predictability keeps us comfortable. Going outside of that ED comfort zone is a really, really scary thing. All we can do is take it day by day and do our best not to be too hard on ourselves. Sending lots of love. <3
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