I have a question. Why do I often find myself acting a certain way even if I know I shouldn't be? There are some situations in life where all of my logic goes out the window and I am left making crazy, compulsive decisions.
Last night, for example, I decided to skip my night snack because I was upset with a current life situation. In that moment, for some reason, cutting back on calories felt like the only way to rebel against those surfacing unpleasant emotions. Logically, however, I know better. I know that restricting calories is never the answer.
It would also be a big, fat lie to say this is the first time I have gone against my logical brain. Almost every time I see my therapist we have a conversation about this.
Do I logically know restricting calories is bad? Yes.
Do I always get 100% of my calories in? No.
Do I logically know that I am a worthy individual? Yes.
Do I always believe it? No.
Do I logically know that being at a healthy weight does not make me fat? Yes.
Do I always feel good about my body? Hell no.
Do I logically know procrastinating on a school assignment will add unnecessary stress? Yes.
Do I ever do school work ahead of time? No.
Do I logically know that drinking is something I should avoid altogether? Yes.
Do I live a life free from alcohol cravings? Not even close.
According to Albert Einstein, one of the most logical men of all time, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." So does this technically make me insane? If I know certain behaviors are more beneficial than others, WHY do I continue to fight against logic?
Here's what I do know for sure - Restricting calories absolutely is a (poor) coping mechanism that has given me a sick way to deal with things in the past; however, it got me nowhere. In the moment it seemed like a good idea to go against all of my hard work but this morning I am beating myself up like no other. I don't usually have slips like this. My brain keeps telling me I should know better than that. What is wrong with you, Kelsi?
Logically I know recovery is all about learning to deal with situations in a healthier manner, but sometimes in the heat of the moment, I choose to react in an unhealthy way. Over the years I have become an expert at finding a temporary escape from difficult times, only to cause more damage in the long run. This way of thinking has been ingrained in my head, making me wonder if it is possible to erase this go-to coping mechanism of mine.
I'm struggling with this concept right now. Thankfully, I have a choice to make: I can listen to my logical brain and see that simply acknowledging this is an issue for me is a step in the right direction or I can continue to wallow in self-critical thoughts. It might not always be easy for me to be logical, but that doesn't mean I can't continue to move forward.