It's the third day of school and my to-do list is already longer than I can handle. In the past, while I was sick, I would make a to-do list only to get overwhelmed and give up before I even got started. Believe it or not, this is a sign of perfectionism. Typically we think of perfectionists as those who work on a project until it is perfect and they begin losing their minds. I knew my work would never be perfect, however, so I would avoid it because I figured I would fail anyway. That fear of failure kept me from trying.
Now that I am in a much healthier place, I obviously want to do better in school than I have in the past; but what happens when my to-list keeps me up all night thinking about the tasks I need to complete the following day? This morning, for example, I was up at 5:30am (I don't have class until 10:00) because I couldn't turn my brain off.
Worst of all, once I do begin checking things off my list or turn an assignment in, something new comes up. The idea of a "never ending to-do list" is already making me crazy on the third day of school. Yikes.
I think this comes from the idea that until my to-list is complete - and it won't be for sixteen weeks when the semester is over - I won't be good enough. Good enough for what, you might ask, but I can't really come up with an answer except I will not be meeting those perfectionist demands. It always feels good to get 2 or 3 things done on my to-list, but once I begin looking at the 10 other things that need to be done, I start to let my anxiety get the best of me.
This is the first semester I have taken a full load since leaving treatment about 11 months ago. Maybe I'm freaking out a little because I am now being forced to put more effort into school than recovery, which is a scary thought. I'm on the verge of a big change and half of my brain is telling me to run and hide, while the other half is telling me I need to study until I am perfect. No wonder I'm feeling so exhausted this morning.
As I reread the words above, I realize how irrational my thoughts are in this moment, but that doesn't make them any easier to deal with. Years ago when I first attempted school, I was faced with these same changes and I chose to run because in that moment it eased my anxiety. Luckily now, I have a few more healthy coping mechanisms that will help me through this - I just need to use them.
I'm not sure what to do about my to-do list right now. Maybe breaking it down into 2 or 3 tasks per day, rather than being overwhelmed by the entire list, would be helpful. I know once the semester gets going and I find my routine this will all get easier. Unfortunately, sometimes the only way to deal with anxiety is to sit with it until it passes. Being on the verge of change can be triggering, but like I mentioned before, I now have the option to face my fears or run from them.
I think I've done enough running.
Progress.
Omg this is EXACTLY what i´m dealing with right now. I thought i was the only one overwhelmed by crazy to do lists. I didn´t even had enought time to do everything i put on it in one and a half month of holidays. and it always leaves me unsatisfied because i always feel like whatever i did or accomplished it was never enough. never good enough and never enouh things i did. it drives me crazy and school tasks are not even included there. Even my "free time goals" are stressing me out. I feel like until everything is "perfect, organized, controlled" in my life i can´t give myself the time and permission to actually live life and meet friends and do whatever makes me feel good. Please please share your coping skills on this i´m so tired of always seeing all this stuff i decided i need to do even if i´m the only one that thinks its so important i cant "waste" anytime on living before its done. keep going lovely, xx
ReplyDeleteI was hoping there would be at least one crazy perfectionist in the same boat as me. ;) It's hard to feel like I have done my best work when I know I could have put more time and effort in, but where do we draw the line and stop ourselves from going crazy? The post I did before this one has a few coping skills, but just because I know what those coping skills are doesn't make them any easier to use. It's funny how we know what needs to be done, yet often choose not to do it. Thanks for making me feel less alone!
DeleteYes you´re right. Esspecially when i´m researching something there could always be something i didn´t read. I don´t know when i dont make these lists (or like right now a gigantic post it board hanging on my wall) i feel even more like i´m about to go crazy because it feels so out of control. i think noones ever alone with these kinds of psychological problems there´s always someone feeling similar even if its at the other end of the world.
DeleteHang in there - I've been told it gets better. :)
DeleteI decided to put some "to dos" elsewhere because they are more personal goals that arent even meassurable like self-confidence e.g. and the stuff thats only want i WANT to do in myy free time when i feel like it is also somewhere else now. still too much buch i´ll try :/
DeleteAll you can do is take it one day at a time. You won't develop self confidence overnight, but you will definitely get there!
DeleteMaking To-Do-Lists is very overwhelming, and trying to do them is even more. When I was in school, I was too overwhelmed at the 1st week of each semester to even think about what I would need to do! What helps me now is to do the reality check as well. Knowing myself, is it realistic? What could I filter out if I need to cut down? There are actually very few tangible things that we must do, whether we have time or not. For these situations, we make the time to do these. Otherwise, we can always adjust ourselves. Fear and perfectionism create a weird illusion in our heads. When I look back at the time when I was in school, I realize now that I could have relaxed more and enjoyed the time being. I could have gone out on Friday night (sometimes). I cut everything besides studying, because I had so much fear and perfectionism. Life goes on. Whether we do or don't, everything will be fine. If ED catches us at the moment, it is still fine. We then learn from it, and move on. Getting a good grade is great and wonderful, and in the long run in life, if we cultivate what is important in life, everything will come together whether we get an A, B or C. It does not matter. I know it is easy to say this, but yes, if I am a student again, I want to get an A! hahaha. So, take my words lightly, and do what your heart feels right =) <3
ReplyDeleteI think the bottom line here is we can't be perfect... And that is so difficult to accept. There's a balance that I have yet to find. It will be uncomfortable and new but that's part of the recovery process. We can't continue to make progress if we stay stuck in our comfort zone. You are so full of wisdom. Thanks for the encouragement! <3
DeleteI think you are wise to remember that you can sit with the discomfort and that you WILL get through it and be okay. I know that's where I struggle, accepting that discomfort is not necessarily a sign that I am doing something "wrong". Sometimes it is a part of life to be experienced.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you find this helpful or hurtful (so use it only if helpful!) but sometime I find it soothes me to remember that all of life is an unending to-do list - the only way we finish is when we get to the end! So having things left is a good thing :) It helps me put things in perspective.
I am in LOVE with the idea of a never ending to-do list. Well, not the idea that we never finish it, but the perspective it gives me. That actually made my entire day - thank you! :)
DeleteThis may be nerdy but I only say this because I can relate. I was and always will be a to do lists girl. But I make sure to have crazy easy things on there so no matter what I can at least cross something off. For example, shower. Check. haha I may have things that carry over for weeks but we are all human, not super human!
ReplyDeleteNot super nerdy at all. Sometimes getting out of bed and showering deserves to be acknowledged haha. I do like lists, but until I get comfortable with a new routine, I tend to go a little crazy. It's part of the territory, I suppose.
DeleteYou aren't focusing more effort on school than recovery, school is just the form your recovery will take for the next 16 weeks.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. That's a really good way to look at it, actually. I will face new challenges and triggers that will push me further along in recovery. You're kinda smart. ;)
DeleteWhen there are concrete things to do, I love the satisfaction and neatness of a to-do list because I am kind of forgetful. I can relate to the "paralysis" of perfectionism--I need a push to get started sometimes! I am also a procrastinator and lists can help me stay on schedule. Usually a frantic deadline helps the most, unfortunately!
ReplyDeletePlay around with what kind of list helps the most--from gentle reminder notes to a daily/hourly planner. I like one of your friend's ideas above to include some fairly simple tasks on the list to be able to cross some things off--it does fuel the fire of productivity to get some things done!
Now...off to *my* to-do list tonight! --Alison
Yeah, I think playing around with it will be a good place to start. This is just a period of adjustment. I like organization and the satisfaction of checking things off, too, but get overwhelmed easily. It's all about finding that (stupid) balance. <3
DeleteMy to-do lists at work are never ending these days though ironically I never really had to use them much during school. The lists can definitely get overwhelming...
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking you're right about the 2-3 things a day. Like just making sure you have one to do list for ONE day at a time. (You can put longer term projects on a calendar.) And you can include things on your daily list that you would do anyway - eating your meals, taking a shower, going to class itself, etc. These all take your time and you do deserve to cross them off your list when you do them. That way if you have a busy day and don't get much homework done, you can still congratulate yourself on all you did.
Good luck with your semester! The anxiety gets better if you ride it out, I promise. Especially if you are staying healthy and continuing to prioritize recovery. Some days at work I'm like I seriously cannot do this, I need to quit -but i need money and to not destroy my career chances, so I stick it out, and overall it's getting better.
Thanks so much, Lindsay. I really like your idea of having daily lists and having those simple, time consuming things on the list too. It is important to congratulate ourselves everyday and I know that, but sometimes when stress gets high I just can't think straight. Recovery definitely needs to be a priority, but I've proven I can do that already. Thanks again! :)
DeleteThis is exactly why I couldn't bring myself to go back to university. I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it and being healthy together. However, your insight and the strength of your recovery is MUCH greater than mine was when I was contemplating going back (three years ago). Healthy coping strategies are going to be key. Is there any way you could make a list of self-care habits/treats that you could keep with your to-do list? And once you check an item off the school to-dos, you need to complete a self-care to-do of the same magnitude? Basically -- there is nothing more important to your mental health. Your inner perfectionist will just need to cool her freaking jets if you're having a tough time mentally. Be assertive with your anxieties!! You are the boss and what you say goes. Believe it. I know you can do this, Kelsi. You're stronger than you think you are. xo
ReplyDeleteA list of self care habits/treats is a really good idea, Chels. I never seem to reward myself. Only beat myself up and focus on the next task that needs to be completed. Great idea! If you want to get back to a university someday, you will. If not, that's perfectly okay too. Like you said, it's all about doing what is right for your mental health. <3
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