I got in a fight last week. Okay, maybe fight isn't the right word, but I definitely got in a bit of an argument. Long story short, we were discussing addiction in one of my classes and a girl sitting behind me rose her hand and said,
"It really frustrates me when people struggling with addictions lie. They tell their therapist and/or loved ones they are doing great, only to find out they are secretly using again. Why would they ever resort back to those behaviors when it ruined their life in the past?It's stupid. Just stop using. It's simple."
Before the poor girl even finished her statement I obnoxiously raised my hand ready to fire back. Thanks to my irritation, I didn't give the girl a very nice response. I basically told her she didn't have a clue and social workers need to be more understanding of these things... Oops.
After processing this for about a week and a thoughtful chat with my mom, I now realize the general population probably has similar thoughts surrounding addiction. To my surprise, my mom actually had similar thoughts as the girl and
said I am in a unique position because I have been there first hand. So I thought for this post it would be helpful for me to explain why the girl in my class made me want to fight her.
Let's break it down piece by piece.
"It really frustrates me when people struggling with addictions lie."
Those of us who are addicts or have battled eating disorders are the best liars in the world. We will do whatever it takes to keep our disorders and behaviors safe. If lying means we can maintain our false sense of control, then we will absolutely keep the truth a secret. No matter how irrational it may seem, there are times when lying feels like the only option.
"They tell their therapist and/or loved ones they are doing great, only to find out they are secretly using again."
I think it's pretty safe to say all of us with eating disorders and/or addictions have lied to our therapists in the past. There is a massive amount of shame involved in having symptoms and I am always afraid to disappoint those who are working so hard to keep me healthy. The amount of pain I have caused my loved ones in the past is already too much to bear. I can't imagine putting them through that again. So yeah, in the short term lying to them does seem like the best thing to do.
"Why would they resort back to behaviors that ruined their life in the past?"
Honestly, I cannot come up with a solid answer for that question. All I know for sure is during times of intense anxiety or pain, fighting off those urges to use or have symptoms is a million times harder than giving in. For several years I used restricting calories and alcohol to numb out; they became my go-to coping mechanisms, my comfort, my (sick) best friend. Also during those times of intense anxiety, I am not myself. I lose the ability to think rationally. All I care about is numbing out, even if that means resorting back to behaviors that once ruined my life.
"It's stupid. Just stop using. It's simple."
The girl in my class obviously has been lucky enough to never experience a mental health disorder first hand. It is not stupid or simple. In fact, it is incredibly complex and draining. It breaks my heart to think there is such a large misconception surrounding addiction and eating disorders. If the recovery process was simple then I wouldn't have this blog or be dedicating years of my life to the process.
I may not have handled the situation very well in class, but I was honestly shocked at the words coming out of her mouth. There have been a few instances similar to this where I am caught off guard and a little triggered while discussing mental health in class. Learning to keep my personal beliefs and experiences separate from the course material might be tricky at times, but at least now I know getting in fights isn't nearly as effective as explaining myself.
Not everyone understands. Although that is difficult for me to grasp, it is important for me to learn to be patient with the girl in my class, just like all of you have been patient with me.
Progress.
You go girl! People don't have the slightest clue and it can be extremely frustrating! People don't realize that when your body is in that physical and mental shape you are unable to make thoughts for yourself, so "ED" or the addiction is doing all of the thinking and talking for you! I think one of my biggest pet peeves is when people think it's a choice! Why would somebody choose to be that sick, miserable, and uneahlthy if they had a choice? I was recently watching a Dr. Phil clip on Eating Disorders and he brought in a young woman who was still battling the disease and he told her that she chose to have anorexia, that it was a disease of choice, and at anytime she could choose differently! I wanted to call Dr. Phil up right then and there and give him a piece of my mind:P I am so proud of you for standing up for all those who are suffering and have suffered, it is time that more people became educated and aware:)
ReplyDeleteDr. Phil said that?!! That is so upsetting... Because millions of people watch that show and think he knows what he is talking about, so millions of people now think its a choice. If it was a choice is certainly would NOT have chosen it! See you soon! :)
Deleteoh my goodness I would have snapped too, this is such a common misconception so I can't really blame her for thinking that but still, ouch. I think you brought up really good points though, all of which I agree with. it is tough those to think rationally when someone says a blanket statement like that right off the bat.
ReplyDeleteI know I can't blame her for thinking it either now that I have settled down. It's not an easy thing to understand, especially when I don't understand it most of the time.
DeleteDefinitely, my blood pressure would spike up high in the situation too, but I have also learned a great tool, "at least don't open my mouth when I am reacting". My painful experiences in life have made me wise and less judgmental, and I am thankful for these experiences. I feel so sorry for this girl who has so little experience in her life that she has not give a chance to grow, but as long as she is happy for her life, that's good. But, I think she made herself look a little stupid. Not you, Kelsi <3
ReplyDeleteYes, it is always important to think about what I'm saying before I say it haha. Lesson learned! :)
DeleteIt can be so difficult to hear people say such ignorant and potentially damaging things. One of few things I appreciate about my eating disorder is that it has given me the perspective to know that I NEVER know what it is like in another person's world. That sense of compassion and empathy are burned on my soul. I'd obviously rather have come about such awareness through other means and yet this is my journey. I think you addressed those questions well in your post here - a very brave and public way to process such an unpleasant experience.
ReplyDeleteThe idea that you NEVER know what it's like in another person's world is a really great perspective and I really need to let that sink in. No one is perfect and it's okay to come from different backgrounds. That is such a great point. Thank you for helping me out on this one!
DeleteI disagree with your last point. "Just stop using" (or restricting, or whatever) is simple. Simple, however, does not mean easy. It's incredibly difficult to recover, which is why there are so many support systems, but the general idea is rather simple. The mental disorder/addiction can be fairly complex though, and figuring out who you are in the midst of recovery is complex, but recovery alone is simple.
ReplyDeleteAll of your other points I agree with. I think you even answer your own question regarding "why would someone go back to past behaviors?" It's a coping mechanism. Unless that person is far enough along to have both learned healthier coping mechanisms and to have that be the automatic response, that false sense of comfort from the disorder/addiction is going to take over. Those neural pathways can be deeply ingrained from years of habit use, and it's not as easy as "just don't." I probably would have been quite frustrated as well, and I think you're completely justified in your reaction.
"Just stop using" is an extremely hurtful thing, I agree. I appreciate your input here. Please don't ever feel hesitant to comment here in the future. Every single thing you said I agree with and am grateful for you. Thank you!!
DeleteThat seriously means so much to me - Thanks, lady! :)
Delete