“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize
that growth is happening.
We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel
depressed.
It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who
explained to us,
that we were in fact in the process of change,
of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before.
Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it,
as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth
as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant.
Often the feeling is anything but pleasant.
But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening.
Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be
waiting,
holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be,
eventually become the periods we wait for,
for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared
for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability,
a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.”
-Alice Walker
I don't have much else to say. Sometimes I find quotes seem to literally take thoughts from my brain and put them into writing; making my life easier. It's almost like these quotes know me better than I know myself.
Right now I'm in the middle of an unpleasant period of growth. I'm stressed, avoiding, numbing out, isolating, irritated, and acting on old perfectionistic tendencies. But sometimes struggling through these periods of growth is the only way to reach the other side. I've been here and gotten through before, so thankfully, there is lots of hope to lean back on. Sometimes I like to think damaged people are the most dangerous because we all know they can survive.
So I think for the rest of today, my only goal will be to allow myself to see this period of growth for what it is. No more running away from it. It's here and it kind of sucks; but as the quote says, on the other side of this period of growth, the next phase of my life will soon be revealed.
Progress.
hang in there, Kelsi!:) You can do it. I am always here if you want to vent. I know I have never met you in person, but I really admire you and love following your blog, as you know!
ReplyDelete<3 Ellen
Thank you, Miss Ellen! That really means a lot. Hope you're doing well. <3
DeleteIt is very true, Kelsi. Someone told me that she had a dying plant, and her husband told her to throw it away. But she decided to water it, and her husband was laughing at her because he thought that it was totally useless. What's for? She ignored him and kept watering it. She told me, "Kyoko. It has a beautiful flower now. You often don't know what you are doing or where you are at in recovery, but you are just in process. I am not having any easier time either, but we do together, right? We don't do recovery along. We do together. xxx
ReplyDeleteAlways in it together, and always "watering those plants" even if others laugh. It's not always a linear process and that's okay! :)
DeleteGrowth is a messy and chaotic process. It happens through struggles.
ReplyDeleteI do not know exactly what to say, but do know that I get `it`. I know the place you describe. It can be overwhelming, scary and frustrating. There is a way through, though. As long as your heart remains open to life you will find this way, love. Promise. What I try to tell myself is that my soul is working. It is searching, reaching, changing, growing. My challenge is to allow for it to do this. To not run away and turn to old and destructive habits, but to find the courage to stand in the storm and let my soul grow.
We got this, Kelsi. Trust the process and your courageous heart. We will create beauty out of our struggles.
<3 Hedda.
Messy and chaotic - yes yes yes. One of my friends told me this morning that it isn't a linear process. Sometimes we just have to go through these dips. Keyword - through. They don't just go away when we run from them. There can be a lot of pressure involved and I'm glad you have an empathetic heart, my dear. <3
DeleteI hate those unpleasant periods of growth, it is never easy. I feel like I still go in and out of those periods but I always come out knowing I am stronger.. something I need to daily remind myself of.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you have been there too, but it is comforting to know you find ways to come out stronger in the end.
DeleteI was talking to a non-ED friend on one of my bad days recently. She said I was inspirational. I (basically) wailed "How?! I have NO CLUE what I'm doing!!", and she replied "Exactly. And you're winning anyway." Well, that shut me up pretty quickly. Our lives will always be in flux. And I think that it's important to remember that we need to go with it. I think about it like water-skiing. You need to bend your knees and absorb the shocks and go with the current. If you remain rigid and just stare down the problems with no emotional connection, you're going to be knocked off your feet pretty quickly. You need the shock absorbers, you need to be watching, you need to be emotionally invested. And if you do all of those things and still fall, you'll probably be laughing when you break the surface of the water and wanting to try again. Even if you know it might hurt to fall, you still remember the euphoria of victory while behind the boat, going with the flow.
ReplyDeleteStay strong. I know without a doubt that you'll be rocking those metaphorical skis with swagger in no time. ;) xo
I just love your water skiing analogy, Chels! That is beyond perfect. You're right, we do just have to roll with it and ride it out until these times pass. And what your friend said about you being so inspirational is totally true!! We really have no clue what we are doing haha. Maybe that's part of the beauty of it though, if we can choose to look at it that way. <3
DeleteI just wanted to let you know how much your blog has helped me in the past few weeks. I am currently regaining after a relapse over the summer, and it has been so much harder this time around. I really need reassurance right now, and it looks like you have overcome a lot of my current fears and struggles. Even when I regained the weight the first time, I hated my body and had not done the emotional work at all. I'm ready to do it the right way this time!
ReplyDeleteHey Ally,
DeleteI'm glad to hear you are getting back on track. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be the second time around. The weight gain is difficult, the emotional work is surprisingly even worse, as you've found out. I think what has helped me the most is just realizing that there will be ups and downs.. and that's OKAY! Just as long as you get yourself back on track and learn from it. Best of luck to you. Thanks for reading! :)
Growth is hard to perceive, but these periods of discomfort do give us signals that change is coming. I thought immediately about my 8-year old son, who from time to time actually is almost in tears at night over growing pains in his legs. That is a very clear signal of growth about to happen! Not everything is that visible or tangible...stay on the good paths and know that you are growing with every step! Blessings--Alison
ReplyDeleteThanks, Alison! The growing pains example in your son is perfect. I will keep that in mind as I continue along. Have a great weekend!
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