I had a really great weekend. Probably one of the best I can remember in a really long time. I made new friends, ate the best pizza of my life, and visited an amazingly brave young lady.
Unfortunately, there was an awkward situation that ended with me being called a crazy, emotionally unstable, narcissist. And apparently I'm needlessly cruel, damaging with people's time, and reckless with emotions.
Where is that Forgiveness Post from earlier this summer? I think I need to read that a million times tonight.
Maybe I am a little crazy and emotionally unstable. I have been through hell and back. I'm still trying to put the pieces of my life together. And yes, I am very emotional; maybe even to the point of being unstable at times.
As I reread those first few statements, I notice it really is all about me. Maybe I am a narcissist. But ya know what? Right now, at this time in my life, I need to be selfish. If anything or anyone in my life is bringing me down, then I need to do what is right for my health and nothing else. Nothing is worth going back to the dark place I was in 18 short months ago.
And I mean nothing.
Let's talk about being selfish in recovery (or life in general) for a moment. For as long as I can remember I have put my needs on the back burner in hopes that others would be accepting of me. As a true people-pleaser, most of my disorder was fueled by this constant need to hide my true self and act accordingly. The beautiful thing about recovery is I am learning there are times in life when it is not only okay to be selfish, but also totally necessary. Especially if my (already unstable) well being is at stake.
Most of my life has been spent worrying about what others might think of me, so hearing these harsh words wasn't exactly easy. But I do think it is important for me to take a step back and realize this has nothing to do with me. Deep down I know I am far from cruel, damaging, or reckless with emotions. In fact, it's almost a little comical anyone would say those things about me.
This whole situation is still a little raw and I'm not exactly sure what the final lesson learned will be. But I do know there are times in life when it's perfectly okay to be a little selfish... Even if that does make me a crazy narcissist in the eyes of certain people.