Monday, October 21, 2013

I'm a Crazy Narcissist... And Not Sorry


I had a really great weekend. Probably one of the best I can remember in a really long time. I made new friends, ate the best pizza of my life, and visited an amazingly brave young lady.




Unfortunately, there was an awkward situation that ended with me being called a crazy, emotionally unstable, narcissist. And apparently I'm needlessly cruel, damaging with people's time, and reckless with emotions.

Where is that Forgiveness Post from earlier this summer? I think I need to read that a million times tonight. 

Maybe I am a little crazy and emotionally unstable. I have been through hell and back. I'm still trying to put the pieces of my life together. And yes, I am very emotional; maybe even to the point of being unstable at times.

As I reread those first few statements, I notice it really is all about me. Maybe I am a narcissist. But ya know what? Right now, at this time in my life, I need to be selfish. If anything or anyone in my life is bringing me down, then I need to do what is right for my health and nothing else. Nothing is worth going back to the dark place I was in 18 short months ago.
And I mean nothing.

 Let's talk about being selfish in recovery (or life in general) for a moment. For as long as I can remember I have put my needs on the back burner in hopes that others would be accepting of me. As a true people-pleaser, most of my disorder was fueled by this constant need to hide my true self and act accordingly. The beautiful thing about recovery is I am learning there are times in life when it is not only okay to be selfish, but also totally necessary. Especially if my (already unstable) well being is at stake.

Most of my life has been spent worrying about what others might think of me, so hearing these harsh words wasn't exactly easy. But I do think it is important for me to take a step back and realize this has nothing to do with me. Deep down I know I am far from cruel, damaging, or reckless with emotions. In fact, it's almost a little comical anyone would say those things about me.

This whole situation is still a little raw and I'm not exactly sure what the final lesson learned will be. But I do know there are times in life when it's perfectly okay to be a little selfish... Even if that does make me a crazy narcissist in the eyes of certain people.

Progress.

15 comments:

  1. This is my favorite of your posts yet. You need to ditch at least some of the people pleasing things, I am sad you learned that lesson in a negative way, but happy you learned it.

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    1. Sometimes these important lessons aren't easily learned, are they?

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  2. I'm so proud of you girl:) You are far from an unstable narcissits! I have learned more from you then most "stable" people I have ever met. What's wrong with being emotional anyways? Ya know? Being emotional shows that you've been to the moon and back and survived. That you care, have compassion, empathy, and a heart:) In a way it's a gift then many ignornat people will never have the experience nor strenth to comprehend. I admire your courage to realize that you don't need unehalthy relationships in your life because you are worth so much more than that!:)

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    1. Goodness, Shelby. :) Thank you SO much! I can't wait to see you this week! <3

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  3. I'm sorry this was said to you - those are some strong words, and perhaps the person was projecting a bit.

    As far as being self-centered in recovery, it is an absolute must. You are in the process of basically rebuilding and rediscovering yourself, and that takes intense self- focus. I believe in fighting for your own recovery at all costs - If it means ending friendships, if it means being "cruel" by not allowing toxic poison into your life than so be it. You are not required to be dragged down by anyone. Unfortunately, people who are used to you behaving as a self sacrificer will not always respond well to you doing things for yourself.

    Keep on doing your thing - I know it might be tough to hear but I'm glad you aren't letting it dissuade you. :)

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    1. Yes, Lindsay... being self-centered in recovery is a MUST. And like you said, sometimes life in general. Not easy to hear at all. I can't tell you how nice it is to have your support. <3

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  4. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but I admire your strength in challenging what was said. It shows how far you have come in your recovery! I also believe that they may be projecting. It's about them and their issues. You are doing amazing things and helping so many people. I hope you give yourself some credit. Keep doing what you are doing!

    It is not selfish to put yourself first during recovery and in life in general. I think it's difficult to be there for others and completely invested in living when you aren't taking care of yourself. You are far from a narcissist and cruel!

    I'm glad you enjoyed your trip :)

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    1. Thank you so very much, Kiersten! Your words mean the world to me! :)

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  5. I love this post, Kelsi. I don't see any part of you being selfish. I see that you are bravely opening up yourself and not being afraid of being vulnerable. Glad to see you here. <3

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    1. Thanks so much, Kyoko. <3
      Sorry I've been so bad about emailing. I have lots of time tomorrow to finally send you a response. xx

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  6. You are brave for posting this and so successfully reframing what could have been a devastating comment. Anyone reading here can see that you are far from narcissistic and the person who said it can only be operating on false information. I believe we should reclaim the word selfish, after all, when you deconstruct it, what's so bad about things pertaining to the self? As you say, you need to do all you can to stay healthy and I am so glad to hear that you know that too.

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    1. You make an excellent point here - what is so bad about pertaining to the self? It's impossible to live a healthy life without doing so. I really needed to hear that. Thank you!

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  7. Anyone can tell just by reading your blog that you are nowhere near 'selfish' or 'cruel' and certainly not a 'crazy narcissist'! And what I am learning in my own life is that being 'selfish' (in the sense of looking after yourself and making sure you prioritize your wellbeing) is the best way to be a good friend to others, too. You can fall over backwards trying to please people and be everything you think they want you to be, but in the end that isn't really being the best friend or person you can be, because it's not sustainable and it's not authentic. Not to mention looking after yourself and learning how to live a happy and healthy life is the best way to be a great example to others. Being sick and stressed and not genuine doesn't exactly allow you to be a great friend, even if you are exhausting yourself trying to be! I'm only just beginning to realise all this myself...

    Anyway, I hope you didn't take this person's words too much to heart. Also, oh my gosh, that pizza! I can see I'm going to have to slaughter a pizza of my own at some point this week...;)

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    1. Right - that people pleasing thing never leads to anything positive or productive. And I agree with you that being a little selfish can build relationships. Learning who should and shouldn't be in our lives is usually a difficult lesson to learn, but always necessary. Thank you so much! <3

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