Sunday, June 23, 2013

Have OR Had an Eating Disorder?

Recently I was chatting with a friend about how differently we view food and decide what to eat. Now that I am much more aware of what "normal" eating is, I have also realized how strange current my eating habits might appear to some people. As we continued to discuss eating patterns, I joked and said, "Well, of course I view food differently than most, I have an eating disorder after all." This friend quickly jumped in and asked, "Don't you mean had an eating disorder?"

Here is where understanding the recovery process can be tricky for some people. Yes, I have been in recovery for over a year now, I physically appear to be healthy, and I do have my eating related symptoms under control for the most part. With that said, however, I still have a significant amount of work to do before I am completely free of those eating disordered thoughts. The mental aspect of eating disorders is something that is often overlooked. On the outside, I appear to be functioning in society and eating when I am supposed to, but that does not necessarily mean I've reached a point where I can say I once had an eating disorder. 

So what exactly is the difference between being in recovery and being recovered

In my perfect world, there would be a simple answer. There would be a switch that I could simply turn off and with that forever be free from eating disordered behaviors. Like most things in life, however, it just doesn't work that way. 

The recovery spectrum varies greatly. At one end, a patient might still be binging and purging or restricting, but is making progress in other ways. While on the other end of the spectrum, a patient might be free of symptoms but is continually working on the mental aspects of recovery. Some patients can be free from symptoms for years, but still believe they are in recovery out of fear of reaching a fully recovered state. 

Eating disorder recovery, as opposed to other forms of recovery (such as alcohol or drug abuse), is exceptionally difficult because rather than completely avoiding our "drug of choice," we must face it multiple times a day. Food is a necessity. Period. Living in a society that already has skewed views on food does not make the recovery process any easier, but that does not make it impossible either. 

I think many people fail to understand the mental aspect involved in eating disorders. This is not anyone's fault and does not imply ignorance; it simply shows the complexity of eating disorder treatment. Even professionals have difficulty defining what exactly it means to have or had an eating disorder. It is important to understand the eating disorder mentality before attempting to define recovered. To make things worse, due to the individual nature of recovery, each patient might have a somewhat different view on what it means to fully recover.

To define the word "recovered" is sticky business. Quite a few people with eating disorders believe that it is impossible to fully recover and they will always be conscious of their weight and food choices. In my mind, on the other hand, I do believe there will come a time when my eating disorder is completely behind me. I am looking forward to the day when I no longer live in fear of relapsing and accept my natural weight. Food or the lack there of will no longer be used as a coping mechanism. Food and weight will have their proper place in my life rather than ruling it completely. I will no longer compromise my health or betray my soul to look a certain way or fit into a particular dress size.

One of my favorite quotes, from the book Gaining written by Aimee Liu, about the recovery process is how I like to look at my current place in recovery:

"I've changed the way I think about recovery. I no longer define it in relation to illness but as an ongoing process of restoration and discovery. I see now that I am continuously restoring the essential individual I was born to be while discovering my unfolding connection to the world around me... And there will be setbacks. Sometimes it will seem as if I'm making no progress but simply repeating myself, turning around and around the same old habits and ways of thinking. But as long as I can feel myself present, open and awake, I know I am gradually gaining."

At this point in time, to say I have or had an eating disorder is not as simple as it may seem. There is not a specific moment or day during recovery when that switch is made. Sure, I still have eating disordered thoughts; however, I can do a much better job controlling them now than I did a year or even a month ago. I cannot say I once had an eating disorder just yet, but I am doing the best I can while I still have my eating disorder to continue striving for freedom.

Progress.

17 comments:

  1. Gosh this has been on my mind a lot lately. I honestly have no idea what to say on this because it feels weird to say I am recovered. I don't know why, maybe it is because I was always told in treatment it takes up to 8-9 years to fully recover once you enter full recovery. However, I still live my life in a very recovered way so honestly I have no idea, it is like cutting myself short by saying I am not recovered. Who knows... there it is for my head rambles for the day

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    1. 8-9 YEARS?! That's a little depressing. I think it's one of those things that is different for everyone. It sounds to me like you are fully recovered, there's no point in cutting yourself short. Congrats! :)

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  2. I needed this today... thanks<3

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  3. This is such an important aspect of recovery. Thank you for writing this post, Kelsi.

    Recovery is a complex process and can not be reduced to weight restoration or a change in our behavior. It is about healing your mind and heart just as much as healing your body. Learning a new way to be in the world. A new way to think about yourself and what happens within you as well as around you. This takes time. And that is okay.

    At times I feel as if people expect that my weight gain is the same as being recovered, that they presume "everything is fine". Which is not the case. I still have my battles. Anorexia can still feel so strong and overwhelming. The greatest difference is that I am now able to choose recovery despite these feelings. Despite the anxiety, guilt and fear disobeying anorexia can fill me with. I know in my heart that freedom is what I want, so freedom is what I work for. No matter how painful and hard. Freedom is what I want.


    Continue to strive for your freedom, Kelsi. You've made incredible progress. We will take it one day at a time. Always knowing that we're enough. Just as we are. And that we have the right to struggle and to be afraid. It's okay. It only means that we're trying. Trying to move forward. What could be greater than that?

    Much love,
    Hedda.

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    1. Yes, I love that you pointed out that you can now choose recovery despite your feelings and/or anxieties. That is such a huge step and it takes a ton of hard work to get there. I really struggled with people thinking I was cured because I was physically healthy, too. Weight is not an indicator of someone's well being.

      Nothing is greater than knowing we are doing the very best we can each day to move forward - thanks for pointing that out, Hedda! <3 xx

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  4. Hi Kelsi, you spoke my mind again ;-) Like you, I am physically repaired, to a point. I've been in recovery for 18 months, I've actually gone past my goal weight because my metabolism is still super screwed and my body doesn't know how to cope with food still, which makes things hard and is one reason why I don't consider myself 'recovered'. But I agree with what you said about the mental aspect. Food and exercise still completely dominate my life, I can't have an exercise-free day still, despite the fact that I don't think it's actually doing anything because my body is finally fighting back after the abuse it had for so many years and just insists on gaining weight. But yeah, people assume that now that I'm fat again and I eat regularly, I must be fine. I really wish that was true and that we had a crystal ball to know when we will be recovered. I think for me, recovered will be when I feel like I did pre-ED. Strangely, I do remember that, very vaguely. I remember shopping for clothes and being much more preoccupied with the number on the price tag that the number on the size label. I remember not knowing if we owned scales. And I remember eating HUGE bowls of ice cream without any thought other than disappointment when the bowl was empty. I hope you and I both eventually get there. Thanks for your blog, again, Amy <3 xxxx

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    1. Isn't it amazing how long it takes the metabolism to repair itself?! My treatment center said it can take anywhere from 6 months to a year, but I think it can go much longer than that depending on the circumstances. It's hard for me to say whether or not my metabolism is back to normal yet... I don't think it is because I still don't get hungry very often. Who knows?

      I also vaguely remember a time when I could eat ice cream and shop like a normal person. It's hard to imagine like that way, like you said. I KNOW deep down that we will both get there sooner than we think! :)

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  5. thank you so much for this post, Kelsi. i am really struggling with this right now and so i appreciate you writing about it. recovering from anorexia and what was my lowest weight last summer, i've slowly been gaining weight these last months in order to get to a 'healthier' place. because i look healthier people who don't know me well and don't know what i am going through feel compelled to make comments like "oh you wouldn't know anything about weight struggles, you're so small and fit." but meanwhile i am fighting every day with the feelings and obsessions of my ED, trying not to give in and act on them. sometimes i feel every bit as bad and sick as i did when i was at a much lower weight. i feel so conflicted. anorexia is still very much part of my reality and it's been how i've defined myself for so long. even though i am striving, and have made great strides lately to be well, i still feel like i am giving up some part of myself when people talk about how healthy i am. i don't know if that makes sense but i think you understand...

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    1. I actually think that when I left treatment my ED thoughts were the same, if not a bit stronger, than when I started because of this. I thought because I had spent time in treatment everyone expected me to be healthy and ready to face life, but the reality was I had this new body to deal with and all of these new emotions surfacing that I numbed out for years. What you are going through is completely normal. I think the hard work really begins after you gain the weight. The whole "finding yourself without the ED" takes time, but I have found it is also really exciting once you begin to figure out what your hopes and dreams are and then actually begin to chase them.
      I feel for you, Allie. It's great that you can see your own progress. Never lose sight of that, no matter how small your strides may seem. <3

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  6. Meh, ask yourself at the end of today if I wasn't right. You HAD an eating disorder, that describes your behavior, it was abnormal at a certain point. Now you HAVE the right mindset, an amazing support network, and all the motivation in the world to be the healthiest you possible. Today you told me you actually looked forward to eating. The right mindset is everything my love, trust in the lord and make yourself in his image and any disorder is beatable.

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    1. You always seem to be right, no matter how hard I try to fight it. Mindset is everything. I think I said this to you earlier today, but if I can keep this up... Look out :)

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  7. A friend suggested your blog to me. I am glad she did. Your writing is encouraging and honest about a subject that is greatly misunderstood. Even for people struggling with ED, there is misunderstanding! This subject has been close to my heart for nearly half my life. As a woman who has given her heart and life to Jesus, I know that there can be total freedom from burdens of all kinds...the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak! I look forward to reading more from you! Blessings.

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    1. There is definitely a misunderstanding among people in general when it comes to eating disorders. It's a difficult disease because everyone is different. Thanks for reading - I'm happy to have you along this journey with me! <3

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  8. I love this, Kelsi. I just stumbled across your blog and am enjoying your posts.

    I consider myself a fully recovered individual and I love meeting others who believe that it is possible. I was sick for many years, and for a long time I was sure people simply learned to manage their eating disorders and could never be fully healed. One day, during a particularly enlightening journaling session, it occurred to me that perhaps the reason some people fully recover is because they actually believe that it is possible to do so! Upon further exploration, it made more and more sense. Why would we put 100% of selves and our efforts towards something with just a mediocre outcome? (life as always recovering, in my eyes.)

    After this personal revelation, my recovery efforts were kicked up a notch (or 100) and I was able to surrender fully, and give my absolute all to the effort. And I succeeded. I'm living the kind of life that, for so long, I didn't even know I could.

    I wish you the best on this incredible journey. Great things will happen, guaranteed!

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    1. Hi Josie,

      Thanks so much for such a lovely comment. It really is amazing what a shift in thinking can do! It means a lot to me that you shared that recovery really is 100% possible because I do still question it from time to time. Deep down, I know I can do it but on my bad days it's easier to give into those "this is impossible" thoughts. Your story has given me the little boost that I need right now, so thank you for sharing! You have inspired me and many others, I'm sure. :)

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    2. Absolutely! You're very welcome. It thrills my heart to know that I can use my past struggles to encourage someone, even if just a little. By the way, I think you are an excellent writer. Keep it up! I know your insight is helping a lot of people. Hugs!

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