Sunday, October 13, 2013

Understanding Loneliness


I have said it several times here in this blog, and I will say it again today - loneliness is without a doubt my biggest trigger. But I'm talking loneliness in a much deeper sense than my forever single status. Yes, I have friends, a loving family, and am surrounded by 30,000 students everyday on campus; however, I still find myself with a void in my heart at the end of the day.

After speaking with a friend and doing a little reading on this topic, I think I am beginning to understand where this loneliness is coming from. In the article, Epidemic of Loneliness, loneliness is described as a lack of connection with those around us. Oftentimes we view loneliness as a personal weakness or inability to interact with others, but that is not the case at all. 

In another article sent to me by a good friend, Understanding the Pain of Abandonment, toxic shame surfaces when physical or emotional abandonment occurs in our early childhood years. Physical abdandonment, for example, takes place when a child's parents are physically disconnected. If the parents are constantly working or if there is any type of abuse present, a child might constantly feel abandoned and carry those feelings of loneliness with them throughout their entire lives.
 
Emotional abandonment takes place when the child begins to feel like they need to hide a part of themselves in order to please their parents. For me, this one really hit home. At a very young age I developed a belief that I needed to be a star athlete because my dad was. I also have a different personality than most of my family members, so I never felt like I fit in (as irrational as that might be). Over the years, I internalized all of these personality differences as something "bad" or "wrong," which left me feeling disconnected and alone.

Other acts of abandonment occur when children do not feel like they can live up to their parents expectations, children are taught it's not okay to make mistakes or show emotion, and when successes are not acknowledged. When our needs are not met as young children, those feelings of rejection can stick with us through adulthood causing this chronic loneliness.

To make things worse, now that I am in recovery, I often find myself upset that nobody around me understands my illness. Heck, I don't even understand it most of the time, so how can I expect others to? When I get caught up in distorted thinking, I tend to feel completely alone with these massive issues that seem completely irrational to others. Recovery can be a lonely place.

The good news is, however, I am finally starting to believe this loneliness stuff might not be my fault. There are some deeply rooted issues from my childhood that I have recently begun addressing. I think it's also important for me to mention that I grew up in a wonderful, loving household. My parents did everything right. I was just born with certain anxiety related personality traits that, unfortunately, made me more susceptible to disordered thinking.

Recently I have been extremely hard on myself and have let my loneliness get the best of me. Yes, I often do feel alone in recovery, but that does not make me unlovable. My loneliness is deeply seeded, but I have found with a little work, it can be improved. This week my goal is to take some time each day, even if it's only fifteen minutes, to do something that fulfills me. Just like I schedule time to do school work, practicing a little self-love is also a necessity.

I might have quite a few more issues to sort out before this feeling of loneliness is lifted, but at least I have found a starting point. It's exciting to think my biggest trigger is not my fault. In fact, it might even be perfectly normal to feel the way I am feeling. No more shame; it's time to understand loneliness for what it is rather than viewing it as a character flaw.

Progress.

19 comments:

  1. I think most of cases is related to childhood. Addicts always say, "I always felt different from the others", and this is related to feeling lonely. At least, that was what I felt. At some points, I realized that my family was not the same as the others'. I started to compare, and felt different. It does not matter how big each difference was. It transformed to something to hide. I think that some people were born to be emotionally sensitive, and they might pick up details of what's going on. I always believed that my family was good, and nothing was wrong. It was... but didn't know until I shared and someone who was in recovery pointed to some of my family dynamic. Very normal family can affect some kids to feel very different. A father dose not need to be a drug dealer, or a mother does not have to be physically abusive. Words can be extremely abusive, and that's equivalent to "so called dysfunctional family". I will write you email today, hopefully! <3

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    1. Yes, that "I feel different from others" feeling is one I have always struggled with. There are so many different factors that can contribute to these feelings. You're right, they might come from places we never expect. <3

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  2. I struggle with that idea of loneliness too. I sometimes think (and worry) that I create my own loneliness. I know I did when I was very sick but I think I am finally starting to learn that loneliness is very much my insecurities coming out.

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    1. Insecurities and loneliness definitely go hand in hand, I think. Never an easy or fun thing to deal with.

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  3. Kelsi,
    This post rings true for me. Instead of physical and emotional abandonment by my parents, however, I was heavily influenced by my peers at school, whom I was surrounded by for even more time than my parents during the day. Almost everything in your "Emotional Abandonment" section applies when you insert peers for parents; feeling like I need to hide a part or multiple parts of myself from everyone, feeling like I could never be up to par, never feeling like I fit in. These on top of verbal abuse can make for a horrible "regular" childhood, but struck a match to the nuclear bomb in my already predisposed anxiety and disordered-thinking mind.
    Loneliness is something that is confusing for me, because I feel like there is a dichotomy for me. On one hand, if I am alone and tucked away, people and experiences cannot hurt me, and I can heal the way I think is easy and effortless (NOT). On the other, when I am alone, I miss the basic human contact that makes me feel like a real, functioning person, and my thoughts run away with themselves; "You're alone because you are not worthy. You think your friends enjoy your company, but they are probably pitying you. Both your personality and physical stature make you not worthy to participate."
    I have learned that there is a difference between loneliness and temporary solitude. I have learned that loneliness is something that I fall into and have trouble climbing out of. But I am also learning how to mediate that, starting with moving in with one of my good friends come November. Having someone's presence should not only lift my spirits but also help me fend off urges and create an environment of recovery.
    Thanks for listening!
    Sarah

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    1. You bring up several good points here, Sarah. I think that emotional abandonment can come from many different sources, like you said. And then we internalize those feelings of inadequacy and believe we are not worthy of being loved. Thanks for sharing the difference between loneliness and temporary solitude. I've never thought of it that way before. Best of luck with your big move in November! That sounds like a great way to help fend off some of your loneliness! :)

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  4. I'm with you all (ironically) on the loneliness side of things - it is one of my constant experiences as well. It can be so hard to reconcile how we are feeling on the inside when we may look okay on the outside and this only furthers those feelings of isolation. For me, the blogging helps. On those days when I feel completely alone I can send a message (a real, authentically from me, no filters message) out into the world and feel a little less alone. I think loneliness is something everyone experiences and yet, it can feel overwhelming at times. Know that you are not alone.

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    1. It is a little ironic that we all the feel same, isn't it? The blogging definitely does help me, too. Thanks for the encouragement!

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  5. I am so happy to hear that I am not the only one struggling with this. I too find myself getting upset when I go through the day feeling like no one has a clue what I am dealing with. "ED" takes a lot of you and when you begin to recover you feel like your carrying this huge weight that is invisible to those who surrond you. When I am feeling like this I often try to stick close to those who are aware of my struggles and can acknowledge the huge job that recovery is. I think after going through something like an Eating Disorder, or another traumatic event, it is hard to ever really be the same again. You are going to view the world differently, have a different outlook, different priorities, and different emotions, and often times this can cause you to feel really lonely. Just remember you are not alone. Even if you don't know the person or are even unaware of their exsistence, there are people out there everyday who have experienced similar struggles and are sending love and hope to those who have been through the same. :)

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    1. Thanks so much, Shelby! I am so excited I had the chance to meet you this afternoon. You are a wonderful young lady and I cannot wait to see you again this week! :)

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  6. Gah I LOVE this post. I also never felt like I fit into my family growing up, and I think that loneliness and longing for their approval fueled a lot of my ED (not to say that they are to blame; I have always been perfectionistic and high anxiety). Loneliness is still a trigger for me too. I often forget that even when I FEEL like I'm alone, it doesn't mean I am. And reading posts like this certainly help to remind me of that :)

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    1. Aw, well I'm glad this helped you! It sounds like we have similar issues with loneliness. Thanks so much for sharing and making me feel less alone. <3

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  7. Oh gosh, Kelsi...I SO get this. Really, this is exactly where I'm at right now. I'm struggling so much with loneliness and feeling like I see tons of people throughout the day but still don't connect with anyone. Or, any connections that I do make, I talk myself into thinking they weren't real or that the other person didn't feel as connected to me as I did them. I convince myself that I am forgettable and that if I'm not someone who another person wants to talk to on a daily basis that I don't matter to them and that, during the time we're not together, thoughts about me don't even cross their mind.
    This comes up for me in therapy a lot because I even do it with my therapist. Convince myself that in between sessions I'm someone that she totally forgets about. Even after working together for 4 years it still takes me a lot of effort to work up the courage to go in again once I feel she's probably forgotten me. But every time I do, I realize that she hasn't and that all of the turmoil I thought our relationship was in in actuality was false. She's stable and consistent in the relationship.
    I'm proud of you for working through this stuff too. It's been the main focus of therapy for me for a few months now. Recently I was actually diagnosed with an attachment disorder, which makes sense...but is scary at the same time. It feels a bit relieving though too to think that the loneliness and the void I feel isn't so much my fault. I'm here for you anytime you need support with this! I so get it!

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    1. Keep up the hard work. I didn't know there was such a thing as attachment disorder... It makes a lot of sense though. It's definitely not your fault and you aren't alone with your disorder. I hope things start to get better for you soon. We can do it together. :)

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  8. And again i have to say your posts are ALWAYS at the perfect time. i am so overwhelmed by lonelyness right now and it makes me wanna numb it out and isolate even more. as you said its a huge trigger.
    and i am ashamed of it because to me it means theres something wrong with me and everyone hates me so i can be invisible (=in my ED) anyway. i do have some friends but my father keeps pointing out i never meet them after school and it makes me feel like everything i do for myself or by myself is worthless. i´m trying to get some advide out of your post but it seems wrong to me blaming my childhood because my childhood was wonderful and i cant find a deeper reason for feeling so unconnected and lonely and not having as many friends. so maybe in the end it IS my fault because i am the problem not anyone or anything else.

    but you can do this is you find the deeper reasons the hardest work is done and you can work on letting go and getting better. xx

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    1. My childhood was wonderful, too, and that's why I struggle with this as well. I think my loneliness comes from this idea that I created in my head that I do not fit in with my family and those closest to me. I'm shy and am interested in different things... So that makes me feel like I am somehow doing something wrong or bad, even though I'm not. I think maybe our loneliness comes from a lack of self-love and acceptance. And recovery is a lonely place, too... Nobody really gets it.

      I do not think any of this is your fault at all. It has taken me a really long time to figure this all out about myself, so be patient with yourself and know you're not alone in this. Keep up the good work!

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    2. hmm i dont know though...i feel more like i dont fit among the other people at my age. a lot of them seem very superficial to me.
      and yes a lack of self-love and acceptance is an issue for me, too. sometimes i think i like myself but with a small trigger it all falls apart and i start thinking very negatively about myself.
      what do you mean by "recovery is a lonely place" ?
      i´ll try but maybe i will always think there is just something wrong with me because i´m interested in different things and i am not confident or extroverted AT ALL. but i am talking about school and with friends with my closest family i think i am behaving very different as long as i´m not feeling down or anything.

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    3. I say recovery is a lonely place because I often feel all alone with this disease. Like nobody around me gets it. I don't even get it sometimes, so how am I supposed to explain it to other people?
      And I can understand where you feel like the people around you are the issue. There isn't anything wrong with you and I think the further you get into recovery, the more you will start to see your differences are what makes you YOU! I struggle with that a lot too. Like I always feel like I need to be doing what everyone else is doing even if I don't like it, but I'm learning to believe in myself... slowly... so be patient with yourself. <3

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    4. i dont really feel like i am alone in this through people on the interenet i can talk to and also some of my friends having eating disorders (which makes it even harder to connect because there is this weird touchy subject and it also can get a little competitive at least in my head becasue i cant stop comparing).
      thank you for you motivation and advide i will try to think more like this in the future. i think if there are people getting almost mad and telling you theres something wrong with you or your crazy or anything just because you mentioned something you like to they are just feeling bad about themselves. e.g. if i say i love watching scientific videos and i think physics can be really interesting and someone gets mad they just feel like they should do that too so but they dont want to so they feel offended because they are not doing it . its the ego at least thats what i think if people get that emotional when someone just makes a statement about themselves.

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