I'm going to be brutally honest today. Recovery is getting old. For the past couple of weeks I have felt stuck in the same exact spot. With all of this negativity consuming my brain, I wasn't sure if I should even post this morning - until I found this quote.
"Let whatever you do today be enough.
Let go of the judgement you have about what
you should be or could be doing,
you should be or could be doing,
and today, allow yourself to simply be.
Comparing yourself and your journey may be habitual,
but it gets you
nowhere.
It makes you feel worse and it keeps you stuck.
So stop
fixating on where everyone else is,
and start giving yourself permission
to be exactly where you are.
Quiet the voice telling you to do more and
be more,
and trust that in this moment, who you are,
where you are at,
and what you are doing is enough.
You will get to where you need to be
in your own time.
Until then, breathe.
Breathe and be patient with
yourself and your process.
You are doing the best you can to cope and
survive amid your struggles,
and that’s all you can ask of yourself.
It’s enough.
You are enough."
-Daniell Koepke
It's difficult to pin point exactly what is causing this week long irritated Kelsi to surface. I think most of us in recovery go through a stage where we just want to be normal and think "screw this stupid process." With my closest family members having babies and getting engaged while I'm still living at home, it has been easy to negatively compare myself. Rather than looking at all of the positives in my life, I get so caught up in the few things I don't have and forget that my current place in life is enough. Period.
Even if I have hit a bit of a plateau and I'm frustrated with the recovery process, that doesn't mean I should stop trying. I will admit, I have skimped on a few calories here and there as a way to provide a false sense of achievement and control, but it has only made me feel worse about myself. Deep down I know the only way for me to chase my dreams is to continue making progress, even if I don't really want to right now.
So for today (and however long this mood lasts), I am choosing to be gentle with myself.
Today I will allow myself to simply be.
And that is good enough.
Progress.
So for today (and however long this mood lasts), I am choosing to be gentle with myself.
Today I will allow myself to simply be.
And that is good enough.
Progress.
I soo needed this today! Thanks Kelsi :)
ReplyDeleteYou're very welcome, Chrissy. I hope your day gets better :)
DeleteI so relate to comparing yourself to others and feeling low about being stuck at home while family/friends seem to be moving far ahead. And restricting is a surefire way to get a (false and fleeing) sense of achievement. It's normal to feel stuck or stagnant, especially in a long and arduous process like recovery. But you should try to remember what you HAVE achieved, which is a lot more than a lot of other people your age: you have been through a life-threatening illness and gotten further in recovery than many others have, and you have used the experience to grow and learn and develop in ways that most people your age haven't. And more importantly, you continue to share your experiences and wisdom to help others. A lot of people (myself included) look up to you and read your blog faithfully because of your thoughtful, insightful and helpful posts. You make a real contribution, and that's not something that will disappear, even when you have days or weeks of feeling like you're not getting anywhere. In the meantime, you're so right: be gentle with yourself, and know that this will pass :)
ReplyDeleteGoodness, I wish I could reach through my computer and give you a huge hug. I can't thank you enough for such kind, thoughtful words. Maybe the thing I need to remember when it comes to being "normal" is, normal people have bad days too. Whether we are in recovery or not things like this will happen. The recovery process is about learning how to deal with rough times in a healthier way than before. Thanks again for your support. <3
DeleteYou go girl, Kelsi! When I was trying to do what I was supposed to in a recovery process, my friend told me this, "Kyoko, if you really have a good recovery right now, you would not be thinking about it. You would just enjoy whatever it is." It hit me. That was right. That is what recovery does. I hope "we" have a good day! <3
ReplyDeleteI hope we do too, Kyoko! Let's take your friend's advice and enjoy whatever life throws at us. :)
DeleteIt's funny Kels, because I have recently begun realizing that the other side has it's challenges too. I am at an interesting point in recovery where my life is coming together and things are falling into place. I just got my own place and a great job, and am finally what I would consider fairly "established" in my life. I have spent a lot of time over the past 6 months trying to really focus on all of these positives and realize how far I have come and how lucky I am, but this week in therapy I found myself discussing emotions that I had no idea were even there when questioned about my recent urges to cut calories and my poor body image... and then I just felt really guilty for even being upset and having these urges (and lets be honest, acting on them) since my life is coming together! But what it taught me is that regardless of what stage we are in in our lives we will always have these feelings and these hard days where we feel like we're not enough, somehow still unfulfilled. It's just recognizing where we are at whatever point we are at and dealing with the emotions that come with it. Thinking that moving out on our own or finishing school or getting a boyfriend will make everything instantly better, or trying to pretend that it has made everything better will just continue to lead us down a path of seeking control (i.e restricting). But recognizing that while things will start coming together, challenges will always be there, is what will really allow us to maintain a positive recovery. YOU ARE AMAZING. you help so many people every single day. More people than you probably even know! And you are choosing recovery, no matter how difficult it feels every day (or sometimes every second of every day). You are amazing. Don't ever let yourself forget all that you do.
ReplyDeleteCarly, I feel like I really know you without really knowing you - if that makes sense. :) This is exactly what I was thinking about earlier today. You are so right when you say no matter where we are in life these issues will always be there. Learning to be content with my current situation is my biggest challenge right now, so fighting it isn't helping. Thank you sooo much for sharing your successes with me! Life sounds super exciting for you right now. Congrats on getting your own place!! You are showing me that with more time and patience those things are possible for me, too. And it's OKAY that I'm not there yet. Fulfillment really does come from within - maybe I should get that tattooed on my brain. :)
DeleteHaha maybe you should! I say the past 6 months because that is when things have really started to fall into place for me, but really it has been over 5 years of me slowly putting pieces of my life back together (after my first time at RCC) and making small strides along the way. And the reason I'm telling you this is because it doesn't happen over night or in 6 months... but you will get there and appreciate it that much more because you know how hard you worked for it :)
DeleteSometimes I forget it's been 5 years (!!!) since you were at RCC. A lot has changed for me after this first year, I can't imagine how much will change in another few years. You've really helped change my perspective and turn my mood around today. Thank you!!
DeleteKelsi,
ReplyDeletethe feelings you describe are challenging. I've felt that way the last couple of weeks as well. I see people living life. Enjoying life. Then I start to compare . . . and despair. And loose touch with the beauty in my healing process. Forget how courageous I am. How much I have accomplished. All that I learn and gain in recovery.
It is okay to feel this way and very natural to want to be "normal". But, as you say, we are enough. Where we are in life is enough. Our journey through life is not of lesser worth.
Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Let it motivate you to continue to work for freedom. Be gentle with yourself and remember that you have worked hard for a long time, and continue to work hard. Recovery requires so much of our energy and time, it is okay to be tired of it all.
Take a step back and just breathe. Be still and listen to the voice within. Listen to your needs and do things that fill you with positive energy. Things that remind you of what you're fighting for, as well as how far you have come. You are a warrior, Kelsi. And you are enough.
Thinking of you. You are not alone. We will work through this phase.
- Hedda <3
I'm so blessed to have you on this journey with me, Hedda. Every time we talk, I am blown away by your positivity and insight. These moments of comparing and despair are more common than we realize. Maybe that's one of the reasons recovery is sooo difficult for some people. I forget that it is okay to take a step back and breathe, like you said. Even though we are told there are no breaks in recovery, that doesn't mean we can't step back and regroup when its needed.
DeleteThinking of you too - so glad we can do this together! xx
I think every single person needs to hear "you are enough"; it is our coping strategies when we feel inadequate that are different. We look for tangible ways to measure intangible things, and that's when we get hurt and confused.
ReplyDeleteYou have a unique position and purpose in life. For some reason the expression "bloom where you are planted" is coming to mind. Maybe it doesn't make sense or even feel good that things are the way they are...but they are, and every circumstance helps shape who we are.
Thank you for being honest in the ups and downs. We all have them. I pray your heart finds peace in this season of life.
"Bloom where you are planted" is absolutely perfect! That's a good blog topic idea actually... :) You're so right that things don't really feel good right now, but the only thing I can control is how I react to them. I am surprisingly glad that I was honest in this post today. I wasn't looking for a pity party, but a different perspective and that's exactly what "blooming where I am planted" has done. Thank you for you support, as always! <3
DeleteI think that we all know that recovery can simultaneously be our best friend and our worst enemy ... Yes, it will give us new life, but it also just really sucks sometimes!! I'm glad you did post and I hope that by releasing these thoughts from your mind they had less control over you. I also know that you will take each comment to heart ... your followers are so inspiring!!
ReplyDeleteIn case those shadows are still looming over you ... I would suggest a snack and a moment to think about the ten things you hate most about recovery. And then just contemplate some of the things you hate most about your ED. I like to do that sometimes because it really does remind me that the worst day in recovery is better than any day caught in my ED. I save it for those days when being cheery and chipper and optimistic just isn't realistic (and I'm not willing to fake it anymore). I also try to do it just before bed time, that way I can try to wake up to a new day with a new mindset.
Sending a hug!!
Thank you, Chelsie! As soon as I'm done typing this, I'm going to get my night snack and make my lists as you suggested. I really like that idea. It is SO TRUE that the worst days in recovery are still way better than any day stuck in the ED - that is such a great reminder! Thankfully I am feeling better tonight, but I think I will start doing this list thing before bed every night too. :) I love your optimistic attitude. Thanks for sharing it with me and everyone reading! <3
Delete"normal people" ...after working with the public for 30 years, I feel the phrase should be, "those who appear normal." Because very few people do not struggle with some mental or emotional issue regularly in their lives. American medicine prescribes millions of narcotic pain killers, antidepressants, and antianxiety agents annually to all those "normal people"...the ones who have smiling faces on Facebook, raise families, buy cars and homes, etc. But they are often suffering in their own ways..and asking themselves,,"why can't I just be normal?" You now appear "normal" to others, yet continue to struggle.
ReplyDeleteKelsi, you have been given a very difficult path for your young years but have shown that you have incredible strength. "Bloom where you are planted" is a wonderful concept..and remember that each plant is unique and so too, its blooms. This blog, and the help it gives others, is one of your blooms.
And when all else fails as you said in a previous post, watch a great video. My old favorite:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpccpglnNf0
"Those who appear to be normal" is a much better way to look at it. I agree with you that social media does provide us with an image of how "perfect" people's lives appear to be on the outside, but that doesn't mean they do not have inner struggles. I, as do many others, appear to be "normal" on the outside, but still struggle - which makes me feel guilty for some reason, like I should know better.
DeleteAs a comment above mentions, to "bloom where planted" and be content with myself regardless of my circumstances will be a process. I think I (and many others) get caught up in the idea that physical things, rather than self acceptance, will make life better.
Thanks for the video - it made my day! :)
I think every single person needs to hear "you are enough"; it is our coping strategies when we feel inadequate that are different. We look for tangible ways to measure intangible things, and that's when we get hurt and confused.
ReplyDeleteYou have a unique position and purpose in life. For some reason the expression "bloom where you are planted" is coming to mind. Maybe it doesn't make sense or even feel good that things are the way they are...but they are, and every circumstance helps shape who we are.
Thank you for being honest in the ups and downs. We all have them. I pray your heart finds peace in this season of life.